just pull all my hair out... one at a time

"Refrain from anger and give up your rage; do not be agitated-it can only bring harm." Psalm 37:8

This was the scripture that was given to me in my daily devotional. How ironic is it that I have a hard time dealing and letting go?

No matter how hard I try, my personal issues keep getting the best of me. My anger is the worst. After my anger is the social anxiety, then I have to deal with the depression. The last couple of months it has really gotten to me. I have tried to humble myself, I have tried to let it go and turn my eyes towards the Lord, but there are days when I become so angry I can barely control myself. I act completely on impulse. The stress gets to me. My chest hurts. I'm so mad I just to throw something.

My husband has seen me at my worst. Sunday he really got to see it as I threw things across the bathroom.  Not that he didn't add fuel to the situation, but that's another story for another day. I see it happening more and more often. I've scheduled another appointment with my doctor, and I know he's going to tell me he wants me to go back to the counsellor, but I just don't want to listen to what she has to say. Yes I'm mad and no I haven't gotten over being mad.... and I don't think I will. Of course, me being pissed off all the time does not excuse the fact that I have made some terrible stupid mistakes.

“Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt.” ~ Tom Gates

Maybe because I'm just depressed is the reason I'm so angry. Why are you allowed to be happy, when I hurt? Do you know how hard it is for me to be humble? I'm learning. I'm being humble by coming to you and saying, I am tired of being mad, I am tired or hurting, I am tired of feeling like the world is against me. Do you know how hard it is for me to say, I'm sorry? I'm tired of always being the one that admits to being wrong. Even when I'm not wrong. I will even admit I was wrong when I haven't done anything... just to make things better. I apoligize too much.

I'm ashamed of my anger, and I am even more ashamed at the fact that I don't know how to deal with it sometimes. That's one reason I started this blog... I was going to talk about how ticked off I was and figured that no one would ever read it. My outlet to release my pent up anger is flawed because if I say something I get called out about it. So what is a girl to do? 

In the mean time, I need to learn how to deal with my depression. I have prayed over this but sometimes it consumes me to the point that I end up driving myself insane. I keep praying for God to take it away, but he is trying to teach me a lesson. Maybe he is trying to teach me how to deal with things, rather than make it go away. Maybe he is trying to teach me to work through a selfish attitude? Or maybe helping me to create a more humble heart. I don't know... all I know is that I don't know how much more I can take.