Sorry ladies and gentlemen. I was down and out on Wednesday so I didn't get a chance to do the funnies for you... and they yesterday was a whole 'notha story for you, but we'll get to that at a later date.
So since I'm too lazy to just come up with something randomly witty, I'll share with you once again my favorite youtube video of all time.
Smile and be happy!
funny... while I was uploading this one I found another I had not seen in a while... enjoy!
The husband and I have a love that is pretty hard to beat. For reals yo!
So to show my true love for my mate... I made him dinner Saturday night before I went for my girls time with my new friend. Redneck dinner... fried deer meat and steak fries. The deep fryer was wide open! I swear that is the most horrible smell in the house after you have fried deer meat, but it taste so good. Besides... I make the best fried deer steak in the whole world ever... so nah. We enjoyed our romantic little dinner of fattening fried food in front of the T.V., and then my darling of a husband sat in the bedroom with me while I picked and scrutinized over what I would wear to have drinks with chicks... I mean really, I had to look cute!!! He said I should wear a T-Shirt with my jeans and cowboy boots. What'evs... he likes whatever I wear anyway.
That night at one of the local Mexican restaurants, I decided to be festive and indulge in a few Corona with lime, I rarely drink such an acidic beer but I knew I couldn't drink a margarita and be in any shape to drive 30 minutes to get back home... much less stop and get milk on my way. So we sat there, had our drinks, had chips and salsa (yummy), had conversation... ok, we got there at 7:30 and the husband called at 9:45 asking where we were. I haven't had conversation with a friend like that in forever. It felt good to be able to sit down and just relax. This was the first time that she and I had ever really spent time together. Mind you we have had our chats via text or on the phone, but nothing like this. So we had our drinks, paid our tabs, said our goodbyes and went on our separate way.
I crawled in the bed, exhausted from the day and fall right asleep... beer sleep is the best sleep!
I'm not exactly sure when the war started, but I think it was around the time of our first pregnancy is when it really got bad. Yep... the farting. I know your thinking GROSS!!! But you really have to know the Husband and I to really appreciate it. He likes to save them up until he has me in a good position on the couch and let one rip on me where as I like to just .... sneak up and leave a scent trail. He is more of a loud and rumble kind of guy where I'm a silent but deadly girl all thanks to Pop. However disgusting as you think it may be, we think its funny to gross each other out. Seriously... we've been married for 7 years. There is nothing to hide anymore. And honestly... you should be able to let one rip for the one you love!
I know better than to drink Corona with lime for one reason only... I can peel wallpaper when I fart. So since I am usually the one that gets pooted on, I got to enjoy my day leaving the skunk mating scent for the hubby to find me. He was not happy about this at all, especially when I let one go in the bed and he had to linger in it. I saved it just for him since he wouldn't help me sign Kid #1 and Kid #2's valentines for their party at school I was warned that if I did it again I would be kicked out of bed and made to sleep on the couch.
At this point, I'm not sure why, he deemed it necessary to get Kid #1's recorder, lime green in color... yeah the ones you play in kindergarten, and start playing it in bed... like he was some magical snake charmer or something.
So... I let another one one rip... hehehe.
He stole my pillows and I got kicked out of the bed, that was an interesting fight to say the least. I'm not sure who got hurt worse, but I drew blood.
So, out of breath, worn down from the fight, and he is still playing the recorder... I decided to pretend I was asleep... and let just one more little *poot* hang out for good measure.
Him: You fart again? You nasty ass!
Me: Hunh? I'm sleeping jackass.. go away
Him: you farted, I can smell it
Me: your dreaming, go back to sleep
Him: your nasty!
Me: <silently laughing to myself>
I then drifted off in to wonderland happy peaceful sleep knowing.... that I finally got him... I won.... I... AM...THE... FART.... CHAMPION......< and the crowd roars> I get some sort of award for that... right?
My coworker has a birthday coming up so after careful deliberation on what gift I would purchase for her, I found a travel mug for her to use in her new car. Not anything super expensive but very cute. It says I'm drinking coffee; it's too early for wine, for anyone that knows her... this is a perfect fit for the avid Merlot drinker. Plus... I have horrible problem with holding gifts until the actual day has arrived.
I bring the gift in, nothing fancy, no fancy wrapping (I'm too cheap) and set the gift bag along with the mug inside on her desk. Her eyes light up and she starts to squeal, not like a pig squeal or anything, more like a 5th grad girl that just found out she's going to see the new Justin Beeber movie. So, I give her my scissors and let her open the box, and I swear this had to be the best birthday gift I have ever given. She loved it! Nothing like seeing a 40+ woman running around the office giggling and jumping up and down over a coffee cup.
The day went on, nothing else exciting happened, well... something exciting did happen but I will have to share that with you tomorrow <insert evil laugh>, and we all went home for the day in hopes that last nights snow would result in a snow day from work. That was a no go, but we can always wish right? The snow stared about 6:00 p.m. and continued on fairly heavy for about an hour and 1/2 at the house. Resulting in a nice dusting in the yard and about and inch to two of accumulation on the back porch. The husband summoned me to the back door to see the white stuff and then it hit me... I felt like a 10 year old kid again, but rather than freeze my ass off, I let the kids do it instead. The husband thought it was a good time to play a joke on Kid#1. Yeah, he tells her to go put on her coat and her boots (she has already gotten in her pj's for the night) and informs her that she has to sleep outside with Stash Kitty... she was not amused until she made it to the back door to see the snow.
So, while the husband and I watch in amusement from the back door as Kid#1 and Kid#2 stamp stomp and make snowballs I tell him about my coworkers reaction to her fabulous birthday present.
Me: I gave her the coffee mug today, you should have seen her face
Him: She liked it hunh?
Me: yeah, you should have seen her... she was jumping up and down giggling
Him: She even drink coffee?
Me: Like a fish!!!
Him: Like a fish? Does a fish drink coffee
Me: ugh <dirty look, rolling of the eyes>
Him: I don't guess I've ever heard anyone say a fish drinks coffee. How much coffee does a fish drink anyway?
Me: Look, I was just trying to spice up the conversation
Him: <blank stare>
Me: Whatever Kimosabe
Him: Why can't I be Tonto?
At that point I just laugh it off and try to drag the popsicles back into the house with a promise of plenty of fun outside IF we get to have a snow day. Snow days don't happen too often in Mississippi, but when they do it's always fun.
After repeating the conversation back this morning to a friend I learned that not only do fish drink coffee... they drink more than Hamsters.
Last week (I think) I posted some stupid facts for everyone to enjoy. Thanks to a comment about one stupid law in Mobile, AL about stiletto heels I decided that today I would pick a few stupid laws from various states to post. Enjoy!
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
Putting salt on a railway track may be punishable by death.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
You cannot chain your alligator to a fire hydrant.
Peanuts are not allowed to be sold in Lee County, Alabama after sunset on Wednesdays.
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
It is legal to drive the wrong way on a one way street if you have a lantern on the front of your car.
Florida:
Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
(SARASOTA) It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal.
It is illegal to fart in a public place after 6:00pm on a Thursday.
It is illegal to have sexual intercourse with a porcupine.
It is illegal for a woman to bungee jump naked on Sunday before midday.
In Miami it is illegal to park your elephant on 8th Street on Sundays after 1pm.
It's illegal to purchase alcohol before 1pm on Sundays in the city of Coral Gables.
Georgia
It is illegal to tie a giraffe to a lamp post.
It is illegal to take a bath of orange peel.
In Peachtree City, it is illegal to be homeless.
Louisiana:
It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault", while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault".
Mississippi:
A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her.
Cattle rustling is punishable by hanging
Horn honking is not permitted as it might scare horses.
If one is a parent to two illegitimate children, that person will go to jail for at least one month.
You may not walk a dog without dressing it in diapers.
Adultery or Fornication (living together while not married or having sex with someone that is not your spouse) results in a fine of $500 and/or 6 months in prison.
I have debated, and thought, and pondered, and all other words that remotely have the same meaning, of what I should post about. Seriously... I got my drama out there, I got my pissed off 'ness out there. So anyhow, I just couldn't come up with anything that was completely awesome. I know, I know, fo' reals yo.. I haven't much to talk about today... so I thought It would be fun just to entertain you with random facts. Ready? Here we go...
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1. Cockroaches can live for 9 days after their head has been cut off.
2. The world's largest amphibian is the giant salamander. It can grow up to 5ft. in length.
3. In Cleveland, OH it is illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
4. Barbie's measurements if she were life size are: 39-23-33.... bitch
5. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
6. It is against the law to wear stiletto heels on the streets of downtown Mobile, AL.
7. Ants never sleep
8. The human brain is 80% water
9. Singapore has only one train station.
10. No word in in the English dictionary rhymes with MONTH or ORANGE
11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
12. Dolphins sleep with one eye open... too bad for Chuck Norris
13. A goldfish has a memory span of about 3 seconds.
14. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
15. Did you know Coca-Cola was originally green?
16. It is impossible to lick your elbow.... I bet you just tried
17. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
18. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
19. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia
combined.
20. The first toilet ever seen on T.V. was on Leave it to Beaver.
21. George Washington grew marijuana in his garden (really?)
22. It cost about 3 cents to make a $1 bill in the US.
23. Your right lung takes in more air than the left
24. Children are more allergic to cockroaches than they are to cats.
25. Buttermilk does not contain any butter.
26. On average, a disposable diaper can hold up to 7 pounds of liquid
27. Marie Curie, the Noble Prize winning scientist who discovered radium, died of radiation poisoning.
28. All species of beetles are edible
29. Polar bears are left handed.
30. Mosquitoes have 47 teeth.
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Ok... I don't know how true any of these are, but they were online... so... they gotta be right? If not... tough shit. You will get over it I'm sure. If not, here is something else to make you laugh.
Not exactly sure why I blog, but I thought this would be a good way to express how I feel and bull shit like that. Really? No one gives a rats ass about how I feel. Well, except the family and the husband, they care but in all honesty... not really anyone else. So whats the point of telling you how I feel. I fed that load of crap to my therapist and I still didn't feel any better about life in general.
yes, I said my therapist
Lovely woman, I have not seen her in a couple of months now, maybe I should.. but I got really tired of hearing her say and how does that make you feel?
Therapist really say that... believe it or not because I thought people were full of it when they told me to beware of the phrase. This is the phrase that sucks you in to telling your deepest darkest secret. Of course it makes you feel so much better that you shared your horrifying secrets with someone. The part that really gets me is that I see her from time to time, grocery store and what not, and she never acknowledges me. I like that. Not that I don't want to talk about my personal problems while debating over the store brand canned tomatoes vs DelMonte, but its nice to feel like I have that safe place to talk... sometimes. I can't help but wonder, who does my therapist talk to?
Who does she talk to about all the madness and tragedy that she hears about every day? Does she sit down with her friends on her girls weekend and say you won't believe what this random psycho said today. Am I crazy for feeling like that? I often think to myself about that. She can't say who its about but I can't help but wonder if she gives enough detail to let someone in so they can figure it out. I'm sure that is just some of my psycho tendencies coming out.
Speaking of that.. It's time I called her and made an appointment. I've got some issues I need to talk about.
The husband has been a big help. He has been there to listen to what bothers me, give advice blah blah blah. But there are just some things you can't talk to your husband about... not in detail. Not like you would share with your girlfriends... you know, stuff about him. And well of course this uncontrollable urge to cry all the time.
I think it's the stress of the Holiday season. Between work and birthday parties and drama and more work.. I don't feel like we are getting ahead at all. Yet another thing I need to talk to my therapist about.
Keep your head up Rosie, the year is almost over and it will be slow as dirt at work again, no shopping for at least a couple of months, and all the drama will eventually go away...
How could I honestly think in my twisted little head that it wouldn't have happened to me, but it did. I got a prank call from non other than an Indian Pervert... no not Indian like native American, Indian like from India. Nothing worse than feeling like I'm on the phone with some sort of computer tech support at 10:00 at night and get asked about the shape of my body when in reality its 2:00 in the afternoon and I'm at work. Really? Get a life asshole!
I was verbally assaulted by some man from Yellow Pages, but I’m not sure which yellow pages since there are like 100’s of yellowpages.com etc. He wanted to update our listing and when I told him I was not authorized to make changes or purchase he proceeded to ask me “what is the size of your figure” (my figure? did he really just say that?), I questioned him why he needed to know that and he replied “so I can imagine it in front of me” (now I'm about to crawl under my desk because I am so completely disturb). I replied “what are you some pervert?” and he said “yes, I am mental.” Shocked, I hung the phone up without getting his supervisors name or anything. One of the guys I work with insisted on asking me at least 10 times if I was ok. Yes, I'm ok... I am also deeply disturbed now because I can't go and rat this guy out for being a sick perv.
How the hell did that happen to me?
Well I know how... I actually felt sorry for this guy unlike the 100's of morons that have called in the past trying to get me to "update" my listing that I've abruptly hung up on. I thought to myself "self, this time be nice and update the listing" and so I did... and that's what it got me. Gross... I feel violated.
So I wonder how well this would work if I turned the situation around? Next time I have a telemarketer call the house trying to sell me additional insurance on my kids bicycle or lower the rates on a credit card I canceled 2 years ago... I'm just going to ask "what is the size of your figure" or maybe I will take the foot fetish route.
I'm not a big holiday person, so to say, but I try. Many years ago my family had a devastating Christmas with the loss of an amazing woman, on top of all that we had a just a little family drama. I won't get into details because its nobodys business but in all it wasn't good for the holiday spirit. At all...
Since then I have felt like the holidays were tainted for me. I never get excited about putting up the tree, putting out decorations, making cookies or any of that stuff. Having a 5 yr old and a 2 year old, I've got to get past that some day. I have tried really hard since we had kids to get excited but it seems like it gets worse every year. The thing that I can't get past is my attitude. I am so bitter this time of year. No matter what I try to do to get in the spirit, I just can't get over it. I try to have a positive outlook, but its to the point that I can't get ahead no matter what I do.
We have tried to make a family tradition of champagne and Christmas music while we put up the tree... I usually end up drunk and raising hell because the Husband hands me the ornaments too fast... gotta have time to place them, or he won't get up and help hang ornaments (usually because I bitch because he did it wrong). Don't blame me, its the alcohol. That right there makes it even more fun... yippee! Then the next few days is filled with me raising more hell because 1. I just got over a killer hangover, 2. the kids won't keep their hands out of the tree 3. I, for some reason, try to rationalize with myself that I need more Christmas decorations in the house. Why? I'm not really sure, maybe it will make me like the commercial part of the holiday more, I don't know. Never the less... I end up sending us bankrupt since we are already broke at the Dollar General buying pointless little knick knacs that could otherwise be viewed as JUNK. Yep.
The next part is even better... that couple of hundred bucks I spent on kid 1 and kid 2... tossed aside for the wrapping paper and then off to the grandparents to see what else they can get their hands on. It just really chaps my you know whatta that all she wanted last year was a video game, so we got it, and right now I think it's under her bed... seriously. But alas Santa dearest will come through this year yet again and get that top pick on her list. This year Baby Alive, the one that eats. Wonder how long she will play with that one. I'm kinda excited to see what it really eats. Plastic maybe?
Who cares anyway right? Christmas is not about exchanging gifts and seeing who paid more that who for what. Its about the BIRTH OF JESUS! I don't understand how we ended up with a Santa... oh yea it was Woolsworth wasn't it. I would rather people show this much joy and happiness all year long. My sister says ... and I quote:
Uhmmmm Santa is actually a commercialized version of Saint Nicholas that visited poor children and brought them gifts during the Advent season (the 4 weeks before Christmas). So, there is actually a reason for Santa… a historical reason. Just thought you might get a kick out of that.
Thanks Jojo for clearing that up for me... much love
Next weekend is the kid's birthday, going to put the tree up after that. I took my time, but I wanted to make sure the oldest kiddo got to enjoy her birthday 100%.
Do you think I'm begin vain by having this HUGE ass pic of me at the top of my blog or what?
I really like the pic so I guess it makes no difference to me anyway.
I read an awesome blog today... on the Blogs of Note section of blogger.com "Calling People Names", this woman has an incredible talent for writing. I promise she had me laughing and crying within the first 3 post that I read. If ever she were to write a book, I would buy it. Please check it out if you have time. Definitely worth following.
Back on the vanity thing... I had these pictures taken back in February by my friend Paul Pippin, I've known since early childhood. I being the nerd girl him being the goofy boy, we got along great. Pop and his dad whom I lovingly call Pitty Pat have been good friends as long as I can remember.
I look at these photos that I say I took for my husband (but we all know it was for me) and think... I really don't feel that beautiful and how much photo shop did he really use... seriously! I know my cleavage does not look that perfect, or maybe it does. Who knows and who cares... I like it and at the end of the day, that's all that really matters, right?
I suggest every woman, take the time to have some really good photos taken, not the BS you get done at one of those sit down and pose places. Go to Paul or anyone that has an eye for the photo and have your picture taken. Dress sexy, wear lots of makeup, show a little skin (not too much) and do something to make yourself feel awesome! I have some friends that have had photos done by him and they loved it. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I don't show everyone all the pics he took, there are some sex kitten photos on the disk but I have them just for me. Only me, and well Glenn too ;)
So Glenn goes to where we hunt to check on the camera and this is what he finds on the SD card! Was it girls night out or what? I swear... these ladies are definatley party animals, and hangin out with Coons?
Seriously, we got some great pictures. Couple of different bucks, few does, and lots of coons... coons like having their pictures taken I guess ;)
So just when I thought the day was going pretty well I was in a wreck! YES! The first once in a LONG time. My poor truck has a boo boo now. Not a bad one, but enough to make me sick looking at it. I love that truck :(
I will have to say thanks to Mick Vick for being a great help and hanging out until Meridian's finest showed up to write the report. Oh and thanks to Mr. Smith and his Mom (the guy I was in the wreck with). They were super nice people and that always makes an unplesant experience so much better.
