Yes, I said it. It’s my turn, my turn to live my life.
I’m sure that anyone will say “Oh Rosie, you have been this last few months
since your divorce.” Seriously…? After years of doing what
everyone said I should do, trying to make everyone else happy around me, all I
get is a couple of months to be selfish and live life the way I want to? Or was that what I really wanted...
As most of you know the divorce was final back in March.
At the time that the divorce became final, my landlord decided that because I
wouldn’t enter into some sort of kinky ass relationship with him he would sell
the house I was living in, forcing me to find another place to hang my coat.
Which led me to moving in with my parents... I could barely contain my
excitement. Not that I didn’t want to live with them, but there was nothing
available within my budget to rent that would be a good environment for my
children. I lived with my parent up until about a month ago. Somewhat doing my
own thing, but still trying to make it a point to keep everyone happy… except
me. Oh yeah, I’ve gone out and hung out with people. I’ve done my part to keep
the local watering holes in business, dated a douche bag or two. All the while
putting on a show and trying to please a multitude of people in effort to make
sure that ‘people like me’. Added with the never ending… ‘this is what you should do with your life.’
So what exactly is it that I’m supposed to do with my
life now? Last month I decided to give it another shot with my ex-husband in an
effort to try an salvage what was left of my broken relationship and failed
marriage. Yes I still love him, I never stopped. My children are happy and seem
adjusted to the situation. #2 is sleeping better at night even though her wild
imagination and her curiosity keep her away till nearly 10:00 at night. #1
falls asleep as soon as her head hits the pillow and is completely unconscious to
the world around her, better than the once a week nightmares. I on the other
hand am not sleeping, not that I have in the last 6 years, but it seems like it
is worse now these days. Not sure if it is getting adjusted to my old/new
environment or if it is something deeper. I’m still plagued with nightmares and
flashbacks of my wreck in July and the scenarios played in my head of what
could have happened. Not to mention the constant replay of things that could have
gone wrong when I spent two days in a boat in the swamp of south Louisiana…
thank ‘you’ for the constant nightmares. Much appreciated. Back to what I was
saying… what now? I’m back in my happy little home with my two kids, my now ex-husband
whom we will now refer to as ‘sin partner’, and the all loving cat Mustache.
Things are starting to be getting back on track, or so I think. We have made a
few changes to the house, rearranging furniture and throwing away anything that
we just don’t need. Thank you to my friend Tammy, I no longer have a tanning
bed at the house (so glad to see that gone). We’ve started making plans for
social gatherings with the new friends I’ve made as well as friends we socialized
with prior to the divorce. But seriously… now what?!? Am I supposed to just
pick up where everything left off? Is this supposed to feel like a new
relationship? I really don’t know.
Yesterday ‘sin partner’ and I made a public announcement
that we are now in “a relationship” with each other on the drama network a.k.a Facebook.
That’s when it hit me. This is real. This is where it all starts. This is the
point where everyone will be looking at me and watching to see if we screw it
up again. Such a horrible feeling to think that now I’m being watched for every
little mistake, possibly being judged… people talking behind my back saying ‘oh
she’s just using him cause she couldn’t make it on her own’ and yes I have
already heard that so I’m not being paranoid. Thank you very much.
So with that in mind… yes it’s my turn, it always has
been, it always will be… I’m not being selfish, I’m being the giving person I’ve
been my whole life and doing something to make everyone else happy, and in turn
that makes me happy. Sometimes I doubt myself, who doesn’t, but knowing that my
children are sleeping in the same bed every night rather than being flip
flopped from house to house each week is worth it to me. Knowing that I have a
safe and secure place to lay my head every night is worth it. Knowing that I
have put a smile on ‘sin partners’ face because he has his family is worth it. My personal image, knowing that I am being the
‘wife’, mother and caretaker that I had always dreamed about is worth it. When
is it my turn? My turn is now, in this moment. It’s my turn to do what God
planned for me to do all along… take care of my family.