It’s my turn…

Yes, I said it. It’s my turn, my turn to live my life. I’m sure that anyone will say “Oh Rosie, you have been this last few months since your divorce.” Seriously…? After years of doing what everyone said I should do, trying to make everyone else happy around me, all I get is a couple of months to be selfish and live life the way I want to? Or was that what I really wanted...

As most of you know the divorce was final back in March. At the time that the divorce became final, my landlord decided that because I wouldn’t enter into some sort of kinky ass relationship with him he would sell the house I was living in, forcing me to find another place to hang my coat. Which led me to moving in with my parents... I could barely contain my excitement. Not that I didn’t want to live with them, but there was nothing available within my budget to rent that would be a good environment for my children. I lived with my parent up until about a month ago. Somewhat doing my own thing, but still trying to make it a point to keep everyone happy… except me. Oh yeah, I’ve gone out and hung out with people. I’ve done my part to keep the local watering holes in business, dated a douche bag or two. All the while putting on a show and trying to please a multitude of people in effort to make sure that ‘people like me’. Added with the never ending… ‘this is what you should do with your life.’

So what exactly is it that I’m supposed to do with my life now? Last month I decided to give it another shot with my ex-husband in an effort to try an salvage what was left of my broken relationship and failed marriage. Yes I still love him, I never stopped. My children are happy and seem adjusted to the situation. #2 is sleeping better at night even though her wild imagination and her curiosity keep her away till nearly 10:00 at night. #1 falls asleep as soon as her head hits the pillow and is completely unconscious to the world around her, better than the once a week nightmares. I on the other hand am not sleeping, not that I have in the last 6 years, but it seems like it is worse now these days. Not sure if it is getting adjusted to my old/new environment or if it is something deeper. I’m still plagued with nightmares and flashbacks of my wreck in July and the scenarios played in my head of what could have happened. Not to mention the constant replay of things that could have gone wrong when I spent two days in a boat in the swamp of south Louisiana… thank ‘you’ for the constant nightmares. Much appreciated. Back to what I was saying… what now? I’m back in my happy little home with my two kids, my now ex-husband whom we will now refer to as ‘sin partner’, and the all loving cat Mustache. Things are starting to be getting back on track, or so I think. We have made a few changes to the house, rearranging furniture and throwing away anything that we just don’t need. Thank you to my friend Tammy, I no longer have a tanning bed at the house (so glad to see that gone). We’ve started making plans for social gatherings with the new friends I’ve made as well as friends we socialized with prior to the divorce. But seriously… now what?!? Am I supposed to just pick up where everything left off? Is this supposed to feel like a new relationship? I really don’t know.

Yesterday ‘sin partner’ and I made a public announcement that we are now in “a relationship” with each other on the drama network a.k.a Facebook. That’s when it hit me. This is real. This is where it all starts. This is the point where everyone will be looking at me and watching to see if we screw it up again. Such a horrible feeling to think that now I’m being watched for every little mistake, possibly being judged… people talking behind my back saying ‘oh she’s just using him cause she couldn’t make it on her own’ and yes I have already heard that so I’m not being paranoid. Thank you very much.

So with that in mind… yes it’s my turn, it always has been, it always will be… I’m not being selfish, I’m being the giving person I’ve been my whole life and doing something to make everyone else happy, and in turn that makes me happy. Sometimes I doubt myself, who doesn’t, but knowing that my children are sleeping in the same bed every night rather than being flip flopped from house to house each week is worth it to me. Knowing that I have a safe and secure place to lay my head every night is worth it. Knowing that I have put a smile on ‘sin partners’ face because he has his family is worth it.  My personal image, knowing that I am being the ‘wife’, mother and caretaker that I had always dreamed about is worth it. When is it my turn? My turn is now, in this moment. It’s my turn to do what God planned for me to do all along… take care of my family.