it's kind of funny...

Life has an interesting way of working things out. My life has done a complete 180 in the last 6 months, but today... I am so glad it did. I figured out that God has a plan for me and the road that I was taking was not part of it. I have been blessed with some amazing and wonderful women in my life. Women that I call my friends. Thank you to each one of you, I hope that you will get the chance to read this.

Thank you for being my rock, and for believing in me. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me with all my problems. Thank you for not judging me. I appreciate each one of you, rather than get in the middle and try to stir up more trouble and more drama you helped me to try and find a solution to the problem. I really appreciate that.

the little things

Kid #1 : all you need is some duct tape

What? How did the child learn about duct tape and WTF is she going to use it for? I'm not exactly sure and I don't think I want to find out.

My kids are completely amazing. Its like they know when I'm having one of my days... like today. I woke up in my usual bitter mood, with a head ache even though I didn't do anything to deserve the headache. I'm sitting here at the computer, kids are watching Nick Jr. And it happens... my life feels worth while for a moment or two and a smile comes across my face.

I hear Bob Marley singing Three Little Birds, Kid #1 runs into the other room and turns up the t.v. We have this on the ipod and listen to it almost every morning while we dance on the way to work and daycare. I wasn't having such a great day so far and she runs in, hugs me and says:

 Mommy, it's our favorite song... I love you!

then she gives me another hug topped off with a kiss on the cheek and now I can't get this smile off my face.

I'm sure that at some point in the day, like the next hour or so when kid #2 starts to draw on the wall or throw a temper tantrum, I will lose my cool and start to stress out again and need a nap or something. But for now... I'm happy. Why am I so happy? Because nothing else matters... that's why. If you don't have kids, you wouldn't understand and... dogs and cats... they don't live up to what a kid can do.  I had a cat, God rest his precious little soul, and I treated him like one of my children but he couldn't do what my kids did... drive me crazy and warm my heart at the same time.

Speaking of driving me crazy...

alone in my little black hole

I know the instant I wake up how my day is going to be. If I'm going to be pissed off at the world, melancholy, just on the edge of dark and depressed, or a decent mood. Never do I wake up with birds chirping and the sun shining in... never. I blame part of it on the fact that I am not a morning person until I've had about half a pot of strong coffee and the other part on the fact that I am depressed. There... I said it.

I was inspired compelled to write about my depression after reading a couple of blog post that I follow. I can't say why I felt I needed to write it, maybe I'm asking for help? Maybe I just want someone to understand how I feel. Anyhow... click here and here to read their post and see why I felt I needed to do the same.

**********

I have suffered with depression and anxiety from self esteem issues for several years now. I can't even begin to tell you where it started, but I can tell you when I began to notice it more... after I got sober.

In high school I was the little band nerd, I had my boyfriend/friend and his friends. I never really had any close friends of my own. I stayed up under Rodney the whole time I was with him and his friends nearly every day and we spent every single day together until we broke up much to my parents relief. I'm sure that they got very tired of seeing him around the house. After Rodney came Jon, and we were the same. I never really had any friends of my own, I just went along with the crowd. Sure I had girls that I hung out with in HS, but very few. I never had any real close friends. I think this is where the depression started. I wasn't the cool kid by any standard. I was just... me.

After HS was college, and it was the same thing except... I started drinking. I believe that is when I developed my drinking problem. I drank nearly every day... my days at home were sober days. I can even remember attending class with a cranberry and vodka in my Aladdin thermos cup. I had a new boyfriend, but we spent every waking moment together just like the other boyfriends. His friends became my friends. Non the less, I made some friends in college but I only talk to a hand full of these people and only on FB. I still never really had anyone I called my own.

So, I left college, graduated, moved back in with my parents, got an asshole of a boyfriend that was 12 years older than me, and started working in a bar. Perfect place for me. An alcoholic and a bar mix like oil and water. I worked in the bar for 5 years, the days I didn't work I usually spent them actually sitting in the bar drinking on someone else's tab. I managed to get a job tending bar in a little county hole in the wall because my regular place of employment was closed on Sunday, but I could work at this place on Sundays and drink for free... what a bargain. I don't think my parents were too excited about this, but I was making great money and paying off all my bills.

Then came along the Husband.

We moved in with each other and got married in a flash. He told me if I quit the bar, we could get married... so I did. We continued to drink and party, have a good time, all that stuff. We had our local bar we visited a couple times a week. And then it happened... we got pregnant. All the alcohol and partying went away and there I was faced with reality. Holy Shit! What am I going to do with this little thing that cries? What am I going to do with myself? What am I doing? Wait a sec... something isn't right.

That was when I realized that I had been depressed and I was self medicating by staying drunk. It was first diagnosed as postpartum depression, then it went to depression, then to depression and anxiety with a sprinkle of self esteem issues.

What I see when I look in the mirror is a failure. I see an aging overweight alcoholic that yells at her kids too much, that is selfish and has failed in life and in her marriage. I could have been so much, I could have done so much. I eat way too much. I'm depressed because I feel hopeless some days. Why should I bother? I'm bitter. Some days more than other. I don't sleep well some nights and other nights I sleep so hard that I can barely get out of the bed. I seem to have better days when I don't sleep good, go figure. I let the slightest things stress me out. To make it even better, I have social anxiety. I think people are talking bad about me when I know there is no reason for it. So, I feel like I need reassurance all the way around... from everyone. I need to hear that I'm pretty or that I did a good job to make me feel better about myself. I need to feel like people want me around. I need to feel accepted. It's a drug for me. Someone can pay attention to me and my endorphins get all excited, but it will only last for a short time... and just like a junkie I need more.

I have also found that since I quit drinking as much as I did in the past... actually hardly ever, that when I do drink, the next day I go on a complete rage. The husband and I went out just this past Friday night, I had 5 or 6 beers because I knew we were staying the night where we were. The next day I was like a ticking time bomb. I have made great strides to hide this from people, but I can't hide it from him. The rage and the need for outside attention led us down a horrible path in our marriage, but with love and patience we have learned to see the signs manage the anger.

For a while I saw a counsellor and a psychiatrist. I didn't feel like the psychiatrist had my best interest at heart so I stopped seeing him. I continued with the counsellor until I felt like she couldn't help me anymore either. She wanted me to go have girl time with my friends, what friends... fuck that. You think that is really going to help my self esteem issues? So now all I do it take a pill a day. I was taking two... I need to take two... I can only take two if I go back to the asshole psychiatrist. Dammit what do I do?

Over the years I have stopped and stared my medication. So many times I have thought to myself I'm good, I don't need a pill anymore and I quit. Always with the same result. I get off the meds then two days later I send myself into this dark hole and the only way out is to start back taking the meds. I know when its time to start back. I'm lucky in that aspect, where most people with the same problem aren't. I've been dealing with this for several years so I can recognize when I need help. When I get to the point that I start to cry because I can't make up my mind over sweet tea or a diet coke. When I look at myself in the mirror and realize that there is no hope and I have no way out. When I lash out at people for no reason other than I want to make them feel as bad as I do. With my depression I am in such a dark place I don't think that anyone can reach me except myself. But at least I know where to find me.

Depression is a horrible disease, it's an ugly beast that can strike anyone at any time... and there really is no help for it except medication and counselling. But no matter how much I talk to someone, I still know they will never understand how I feel. My husband doesn't understand, neither do any of my friends. In the last year I have become more depressed than I have been over the years and it continues to get worse. I've asked for help, but I'm almost afraid to ask for more... afraid that they will find something else wrong with me. What I fear the most ... I pray that my two sweet angels don't have to deal with it like I do.

time well spent

My goodness I am excited! I finished a book. Fo' reals yo!

Ever since I started this job 5 years ago I have not really had the time to read. Between having 2 kids and the continuing education (I would have never thought I had to do it either) I really haven't had time to read a book other than Principals of Insurance or something like that.

So... I'm at Mom and Pop's house the other day and he hands over a book The Luncheonette by Steven Sorrentino.

It's not a horror fiction or suspense like I love to read, not even close, but it is a memoir of a man brought back to his home in the 1980's after his father fails in health. The book reads like a novel, you get sucked in. The characters leave an imprint on your heart and soul that you won't let go of. I actually cried when I finished this book. It made me really look at my relationship with my family and realize just how lucky I am to have such wonderful people in my life. I definitely recommend  that you pick it up and read it. You may or may not enjoy it, and it may or may not make an impact on your life. I have always been a fiction reader so I was slightly hesitant on reading an memoir... but I'm glad I did. I can't believe I finished it so quickly either.. sheesh!

On to my next book adventure... The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson. I have been told very little about it but I've seen it everywhere. There was even a movie out on PPV but I opted to read the book first. I've come to realize that it's a trilogy and you've got to read all three... according to the bro-in-law. He said there are some iffy sketchy situations in the book... I've only read the prologue so I can't give you any more information.

I used to be an avid reader. Anything and everything from Stephen King, although it has been hard to get into the last couple of novels from him... little more than usual. I'm sure it has been mostly to do with my lack of time to allow my self to get sucked in like I usually would. Before kids and marriage... I could sit down with a fresh novel, pack of smokes a pot of coffee and go to town on a book. I might finish whatever I was reading that day... all depended on the book.

I got sucked into memoir I mentioned above and I hope that I will enjoy this new novel as well. I have always used reading as my escape from reality and right now... I need that vacation more than ever.

reality in a nutshell

Sometimes I just don't get it. Why do people have to die? Why do they pass away before we get the chance to say the things we really want to say? In reality, why don't we say the things we want to say to begin with? Why don't we take time to show people how much we really care rather than cast their feelings aside for the benefit ourselves?

We never really take in to consideration that people have a limited time on earth. We know that grandma or grandpa will be gone one day, but when never really crosses our mind. I looked at my parents today and realized that one day they will be gone and my sister and I will be the first ones in line at the turn stop. We will be the oldest generation. We will be the grandmothers.... I hope.

Over the last few days I was witness to the loss of family members. One of my fathers dear friends passed last week and a one of my coworkers lost her grandmother. I feel like my father had the chance to say bye to his friend. He had been sick for some time and knew that his time had come. What a relief that must be to have the opportunity to tell your friend that you enjoyed your life together. I can only imagine the comfort that would give to a mourning soul. On the other hand, my coworker didn't have a chance to do that. She actually had plans to visit with her grandmother tomorrow... but she passed this morning.

With the stress of our day to day lives we forget that even though time itself is infinite, life is not. We should cherish each moment that we have, say I love you like it might be the last time we have the chance. Every time I talk to someone in my family I tell them I love you. I've even gone so far as to call my father back to tell him I love him because we didn't before we got off the phone. I even tell my friends I love them. I know it may sound silly, but if you think about it.... It's the best I can do to remind them how much I really do love them.

Have you told someone lately that you love them?

new year, new ideas?

So in my ditch effort to become more of a worldly blogger, I joined a couple of blog communities today. Yeah, I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but I did it.

After signing up for three that I will get random email updates from I realize that I actually have to blog on these sites as well. I don't think I am ready to spend that much time typing out my life, so I posted a link to this blog.... haha I cheated neener neener. I do, however, want to get my blog out there for more people to read. I have a link on my facebook page and I have a link in the signature block on my personal email. Not my work email.. I feel that the management staff would seriously frown upon that.

In the meantime, I carry on with my normal day to day life and have managed to not strangle anyone in my family. The Christmas holiday went over very well with my family. No, I didn't get tanked even though I really wanted to. Menu was interesting, but I think Mom was trying to get Christmas and New Years in all at one time. Lasagna, broccoli salad, regular salad, black eye peas, and lima beans... Interesting combination. Oh yeah, and the kiddos had manderine oranges. To top it off we had cheesecake, my sister brought a pie, but I never got the chance to dig into it because Kid #2 decided it was time to go home. Like I said before, she rules the house and our daily schedule. Once we finished dinner and the intermittent fireworks between the scattered thunder showers we loaded our happy asses in my truck and headed off towards home. Kids didn't sleep the whole way... it was quite entertaining to say the very least. Nothing like a 45 minute drive of Kid #1 screaming at the top of her lungs the lyrics to some song she made up and Kid #2 just screaming, because she can. Yay. Husband and I got the kiddos in bed, snuggled up on the couch and after about 10 minutes of TV decided that we could care less about ringing in the New Year so, we went to bed. How exciting is that?

New Years day is another story...

The house (remember I'm an OCD neat freak) is a wreck. I am so overwhelmed with the mess that I just stand there and look at it... shaking my head. So, I figure ok lets get started. I go in, color my hair, get a shower and start making sense of the mess that my husband and kids have made the day before. So, while I waddle around in my bath robe and hair in a towel (this is normal for the weekend) I hear someone at the door. The niece has brought over the new boyfriend for us to meet.... unannounced. AGH!!! I decide it to be best to run to the bedroom and get dressed while the husband entertains. I walk out of the bedroom in wind suit pants and a t shirt, hair still wet, no make up and the boyfriend gives me this look like WTH? I felt like telling him that this was my house and if I wanted to stay in my robe I would have, but I'd rather not scare anyone.

The young man was very nice. A student at the college she attends. I approve, but my approval isn't needed. The kids hung around the house for a couple of hours, watched some football. In the meantime I managed to pull myself together and get fixed up for the evening out that the husband and I had planned. A night of drinks and snacks with some old friends we haven't done anything with in a year. It was nice.

Didn't do much, took Kid #1 with us while Kid #2 stayed with the Mamaw. Would have loved to take Kid #2, but she is really just to young to let run loose at another persons house. #1 had a great time playing with the youngest son of the couple we went to see. He told his Mom that she was NOT his new girlfriend, but that he had fun playing with her. She wouldn't stop talking about him either. We didn't get home till almost midnight. #2 would have been ticked off... that's why she didn't get to go. I'm sure she had more fun with the Mamaw anyway.

So that was my holiday weekend in a nutshell... I lead such an exciting life don't I? I'm sure that it is better than some, but more boring than most. It's my life...

I'm glad that Husband and I are getting out there and rekindling old connections and making new ones.

So, my New Years resolution: Put 100% effort in my marriage, my family, and my friends. Wake up every morning with a smile on my face whether I want to or not. Drink lots of wine, smoke plenty of cigarettes and remember that life is too short to worry about the small stuff. Peace and Chicken grease :)

Holidays?

Ugh! This time of year is so completely wrapped up with this one going here that one going there and I have no idea in hell where I'm supposed to be most of the time. Last week of the year, busiest week of the year at work and home. No wonder I polished off a bottle of pino g last night! Of course I paid for it as well this morning and didn't have enough sense to have a little hair of the dog when I got home.

Husband has his cousin in from out of town this week. Kid #1 and their Kid #1 are two days apart. Cousin and I checked in once a week through out our pregnancy just to say... did you feel that, my stomach did that, I ate pickles and chocolate syrup and it was sooooo good. Seriously. I strongly recommend when you get preggo if you ever plan to, find someone, join a group something... always better to have someone there you can compare notes to as you go along. Yeah, my sister had her kid #1 well before I did and offered up amazing advice, but there is nothing like having someone right there. Anyhow, her kid came early due to a small dose of Castor oil in efforts to get labor started... we were awakened at 5 a.m. on a Saturday morning by her husbands words... we won. We were schedules to be induced 2 days later on a Monday. Dammit. None the less, it still is wonderful when they come in town at this time of year. The girls get a day or two to play with each other and its like they just pick up where they left off. I see them growing into great friends one day.

Tomorrow will be Christmas with my side of the family, this should be exciting. Rather than standard turkey or ham for Christmas dinner, we take a different route.The menu will be wine, lasagna, wine, salad, wine, french bread, wine, cheese cake (home made, not that jello no bake shit) baileys and egg nog, apple and cherry pie, maybe some coffee and to top it off... and a nice glass of wine.  My mother makes an incredible lasagna... better than mine (I'm not sure how though). I have a feeling I will probably be the only one drinking wine. So at least I will be having fun or think I am, and in the meantime keep the rest of the family entertained with my shenanigans.

The parents decided this year that since the sister and her husband and two kids in tow would be with his parents for Christmas they would take a small vacation to Tampa. Not unusual for them at all. My father was an only child and my mother's brother, I so lovingly call him, never had any need to spend time with us unless he needed money or a free ride. So we spent several holidays on vacation. Loved it! Orlando was always my favorite. Husband and I spent our Christmas with his family on the eve since his mother, a nurse, had to work on Christmas day. I hate that she has to do it, but its part of the job.

I hope next year I can have all of the family (pray for me) over to our house. That would be a total of 21 people, I think? Wait, did I really say I wanted everyone at my house? What the hell am I thinking? I need to start cleaning now to satisfy my OCD'ness before everyone gets here next year. Seriously.

To the man I love...

I know I may have this rough exterior and act like nothing can hurt me. I may not show enough emotion when I should and too much when I shouldn't. I speak my opinion too often and don't know when to keep my mouth shut. I drink too much.... when I drink. I can be entirely too loud. I'm selfish and spoiled.

I take for granted all the wonderful things you do for me, I always look over them and fuss about the things you don't do. Thank you for making the coffee every morning, especially since you don't drink it. Thank you for going to work and making sure that the girls and I never have to go without anything. Thank you for being the hero and killing the wasp nest outside during the summer because I have that huge phobia. I'm so lucky that you still look at me with longing lustful eyes even though I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I love the way you smell when you don't wear cologne. I still think its funny that you were willing to shave off your beard because it tickled my nose and scratched my cheeks. I like the beard. 

I promise to try to do better to show you how much I appreciate you. I will make every effort to keep from saying things that I know will hurt your feelings because we had a fight. I realized that it hurts me to know that you are hurting. I never payed attention to your broken heart because all along I thought it was just mine that was breaking.

I'm not going to bitch anymore about leaving your socks or shoes out in the middle of the living room for me to trip over, that's just geography... It's not like I can't walk around them. I may even pick them up for you. You washed all the clothes a couple of weeks ago, so its not like a pair of socks are going to kill me. I won't fuss about your pile of clutter by the coffee pot. You know its there, you know it irritates me, no need to bring any more attention to it because I know you you will eventually get to it... I hope. I promise to try not to get mad every time you hurry to get off the phone with me, even though you know I have to hear you tell me you love me before we get off the phone.

I promise I will try to do better and be a better wife.
So I'm asking this one favor... be patient with me.

tis the season...

to be freezin...

Baby its cold outside!

I'm not a big holiday person, so to say, but I try. Many years ago my family had a devastating Christmas with the loss of an amazing woman, on top of all that we had a just a little family drama. I won't get into details because its nobodys business but in all it wasn't good for the holiday spirit. At all...

Since then I have felt like the holidays were tainted for me. I never get excited about putting up the tree, putting out decorations, making cookies or any of that stuff. Having a 5 yr old and a 2 year old, I've got to get past that some day. I have tried really hard since we had kids to get excited but it seems like it gets worse every year. The thing that I can't get past is my attitude. I am so bitter this time of year. No matter what I try to do to get in the spirit, I just can't get over it. I try to have a positive outlook, but its to the point that I can't get ahead no matter what I do.

We have tried to make a family tradition of champagne and Christmas music while we put up the tree... I usually end up drunk and raising hell because the Husband hands me the ornaments too fast... gotta have time to place them, or he won't get up and help hang ornaments (usually because I bitch because he did it wrong). Don't blame me, its the alcohol. That right there makes it even more fun... yippee! Then the next few days is filled with me raising more hell because 1. I just got over a killer hangover, 2. the kids won't keep their hands out of the tree 3. I, for some reason, try to rationalize with myself that I need more Christmas decorations in the house. Why? I'm not really sure, maybe it will make me like the commercial part of the holiday more, I don't know. Never the less... I end up sending us bankrupt since we are already broke at the Dollar General buying pointless little knick knacs that could otherwise be viewed as JUNK. Yep.

The next part is even better... that couple of hundred bucks I spent on kid 1 and kid 2... tossed aside for the wrapping paper and then off to the grandparents to see what else they can get their hands on. It just really chaps my you know whatta that all she wanted last year was a video game, so we got it, and right now I think it's under her bed... seriously. But alas Santa dearest will come through this year yet again and get that top pick on her list. This year Baby Alive, the one that eats. Wonder how long she will play with that one. I'm kinda excited to see what it really eats. Plastic maybe?

Who cares anyway right? Christmas is not about exchanging gifts and seeing who paid more that who for what. Its about the BIRTH OF JESUS! I don't understand how we ended up with a Santa... oh yea it was Woolsworth wasn't it. I would rather people show this much joy and happiness all year long. My sister says ... and I quote:

Uhmmmm Santa is actually a commercialized version of Saint Nicholas that visited poor children and brought them gifts during the Advent season (the 4 weeks before Christmas).  So, there is actually a reason for Santa… a historical reason.  Just thought you might get a kick out of that. 

Thanks Jojo for clearing that up for me... much love

Next weekend is the kid's birthday, going to put the tree up after that. I took my time, but I wanted to make sure the oldest kiddo got to enjoy her birthday 100%.