ACTUAL HEADLINES...
POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS
FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS
EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER
KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS
DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1000 IN '84
WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE
COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
ENFIELD COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
SIGNS…
AT A SANTA FE GAS STATION: WE WILL SELL GASOLINE TO ANYONE IN A GLASS CONTAINER.
ON THE WALL OF A BALTIMORE ESTATE: TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULL EXTENT OF THE LAW. --SISTERS OF MERCY
ON A LONG-ESTABLISHED NEW MEXICO DRY CLEANERS:38 YEARS ON THE SAME SPOT.
IN A LOS ANGELES DANCE HALL: GOOD CLEAN DANCING EVERY NIGHT BUT SUNDAY.
ON A MOVIE THEATER: CHILDREN'S MATINEE TODAY. ADULTS NOT ADMITTED UNLESS WITH CHILD.
IN A FLORIDA MATERNITY WARD: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
IN THE OFFICES OF A LOAN COMPANY: ASK ABOUT OUR PLANS FOR OWNING YOUR HOME.
IN A NEW YORK MEDICAL BUILDING: MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTER
IN A TOY DEPARTMENT:FIVE SANTA CLAUSES -- NO WAITING!
ON A NEW YORK CONVALESCENT HOME: FOR THE SICK AND TIRED OF THE EPISCOPAL CHURCH.
AT A NUMBER OF MILITARY BASES: RESTRICTED TO UNAUTHORIZED PERSONNEL.
ON A DISPLAY OF "I LOVE YOU ONLY" VALENTINE CARDS: NOW AVAILABLE IN MULTI-PACKS.
ON A SHOPPING MALL MARQUEE: ARCHERY TOURNAMENT -- EARS PIERCED
OUTSIDE A COUNTRY SHOP: WE BUY JUNK AND SELL ANTIQUES.
IN THE WINDOW OF AN OREGON STORE: WHY GO ELSEWHERE AND BE CHEATED WHEN YOU CAN COME HERE?
IN A MAINE RESTAURANT: OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
IN A NEW JERSEY RESTAURANT: OPEN 11 AM TO 11 PM MIDNIGHT.
IN THE VESTRY OF A NEW ENGLAND CHURCH: WILL THE LAST PERSON TO LEAVE PLEASE SEE
THAT THE PERPETUAL LIGHT IS EXTINGUISHED.
IN A PENNSYLVANIA CEMETERY: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
ON THE GROUNDS OF A PUBLIC SCHOOL: NO TRESSPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
IN A LIBRARY: BLOTTER PAPER WILL NO LONGER BE AVAILABLE UNTIL THE PUBLIC STOPS TAKING IT AWAY.
SIMILARLY, IN FRONT OF A NEW HAMPSHIRE CAR WASH: IF YOU CAN'T READ THIS, IT'S TIME TO WASH YOUR CAR.
AND APPARENTLY, SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND IN AN OPEN FIELD OTHERWISE UNTOUCHED BY HUMAN PRESENCE, THERE IS A SIGN THAT SAYS "DO NOT THROW STONES AT THIS SIGN."
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