Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Wednesday Funnies

while surfing around on the interwebs (stumbleupon.com) I found this and I thought it was funny. Copy and pasted so please excuse the fact that the font in all caps. I know... it's killing my OCD, but I was too lazy to try and fix it.



ACTUAL HEADLINES...

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED

DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS

FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS

EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS

SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE

TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES

2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER

KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS

DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1000 IN '84

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

ENFIELD COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE



SIGNS…

AT A SANTA FE GAS STATION: WE WILL SELL GASOLINE TO ANYONE IN A GLASS CONTAINER.

ON THE WALL OF A BALTIMORE ESTATE: TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULL EXTENT OF THE LAW. --SISTERS OF MERCY

ON A LONG-ESTABLISHED NEW MEXICO DRY CLEANERS:38 YEARS ON THE SAME SPOT.

IN A LOS ANGELES DANCE HALL: GOOD CLEAN DANCING EVERY NIGHT BUT SUNDAY.

ON A MOVIE THEATER: CHILDREN'S MATINEE TODAY. ADULTS NOT ADMITTED UNLESS WITH CHILD.

IN A FLORIDA MATERNITY WARD: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

IN THE OFFICES OF A LOAN COMPANY: ASK ABOUT OUR PLANS FOR OWNING YOUR HOME.

IN A NEW YORK MEDICAL BUILDING: MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTER

IN A TOY DEPARTMENT:FIVE SANTA CLAUSES -- NO WAITING!

ON A NEW YORK CONVALESCENT HOME: FOR THE SICK AND TIRED OF THE EPISCOPAL CHURCH.

AT A NUMBER OF MILITARY BASES: RESTRICTED TO UNAUTHORIZED PERSONNEL.

ON A DISPLAY OF "I LOVE YOU ONLY" VALENTINE CARDS: NOW AVAILABLE IN MULTI-PACKS.

ON A SHOPPING MALL MARQUEE: ARCHERY TOURNAMENT -- EARS PIERCED

OUTSIDE A COUNTRY SHOP: WE BUY JUNK AND SELL ANTIQUES.

IN THE WINDOW OF AN OREGON STORE: WHY GO ELSEWHERE AND BE CHEATED WHEN YOU CAN COME HERE?

IN A MAINE RESTAURANT: OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

IN A NEW JERSEY RESTAURANT: OPEN 11 AM TO 11 PM MIDNIGHT.

IN THE VESTRY OF A NEW ENGLAND CHURCH: WILL THE LAST PERSON TO LEAVE PLEASE SEE
THAT THE PERPETUAL LIGHT IS EXTINGUISHED.

IN A PENNSYLVANIA CEMETERY: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

ON THE GROUNDS OF A PUBLIC SCHOOL: NO TRESSPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

IN A LIBRARY: BLOTTER PAPER WILL NO LONGER BE AVAILABLE UNTIL THE PUBLIC STOPS TAKING IT AWAY.

SIMILARLY, IN FRONT OF A NEW HAMPSHIRE CAR WASH: IF YOU CAN'T READ THIS, IT'S TIME TO WASH YOUR CAR.

AND APPARENTLY, SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND IN AN OPEN FIELD OTHERWISE UNTOUCHED BY HUMAN PRESENCE, THERE IS A SIGN THAT SAYS "DO NOT THROW STONES AT THIS SIGN."




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