The End?

The end...

Today is the end of a broken heart, the end of my insecurities, the end of my need to feel accepted by everyone. Today is the end of me trying to please everyone, trying to make everyone happy in one way or another, it is the end of being walked on for being nice. Today, yes today, is the end of feeling worthless in my own sight. It is the end of tyring to figure out what went wrong. It's the end of feeling sorry for myself.

The beginning...

Today I will begin to mend what is broken, and quit trying to make everyone like me. Today is the day that I will no longer be concerned so much with other peoples feelings that I will in the end make myself hurt. Today is the day that I will look in the mirror and accept that I am not, nor will I ever be the perfect wife or mother no matter how hard I try. I will not try and figure out what went wrong, I will just know that it did and time to move on. I will stop feeling sorry for myself because God created me the way he wanted me to be. I've made mistakes and with good reason... time to learn.

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I have been so worn out lately and so ill that it has started to affect other people... I think. It's probably just in my head, but after a fight with the hubs over the weekend and a much needed text yesterday morning I realized that I have gotten off my path. I don't know where I was headed, but it was definitely in the wrong direction. Things have floated around in my head all day about where I am going wrong. For instance... everything that has gone wrong in the last year. Everything... it's all swimming around in there and I just don't know what to do to get it all out. What am I supposed to do? So today I will change things and the only way to change things is to change my attitude. I'm not sure if the last few days has been a start of a depressive episode or not. I'm sure I will figure out in time with prayer.

The worst part... my relationship with God is suffering right now. I haven't been to church in 3 weeks. I haven't prayed, I haven't read my bible... Today I will get on my knees and talk to God. I hope he will let me have the answers.

The hubby and I are coming up on our one year mark of tragedy in our family. It brought us closer together but I think it also put distance between us in other ways as well. I'm not really sure. Any time he mentions something dating back to that time it puts me in a horrible mood. Just like the other night... he mentioned something to a friend about when he broke his hand. Immediately I went down hill and wanted to crawl under a rock. It's life and my Mom says I need to just get over it and move on, but sometimes I don't think I can. Anyone understand that feeling?

so that is why I say Today is the day... I'm going to try my best to pick up my feet and cut a path to the road I should be on. I'm going to hold my head high and remember that no matter what "They can't take away my birthday". I will go into this battle in my mind hands outstretched high to God!

Help me Lord, I need it right now the most... Rosie