a songbird

I went over to Studio30Plus to just check it out and see what new and exciting thing was going on this week and yay! A writing prompt, just what I needed. I had been thinking and twidling trying to come up with something profound and witty to blog about this week... but alas... my brain is still too tired from the Mardi Gras event over the weekend. Thank you S30P for a touch of inspiration.

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Childhood dreams, I don't know that I really had any that were too much to tackle. I wanted to be like most kids, grow up, purchase my own office supply store, own 20 or so cats, but I don't think I had anything that just stuck out... except one thing.

I was your typical kid. I had the luxury of growing up as a military brat, my Pop landed a full time job at the ANG base so we didn't have to move every two to three years. My mom sold Real Estate so she was home when we needed her. My sister is six years older than me so I always had someone to pal around with. I was a band nerd, I played violin, I took piano and voice lessons for as long as I can remember.... but all my life, no matter what it was... no matter what I was doing... I was singing. I didn't care who I sang for or when I did it... I was singing.

I sang in choirs, in church, at social events, the bathroom at the bowling alley with Karen, always in the car, and one wedding.... if I had the chance to do it, I would be there ready to go... scared to death. Why? Because I didn't think I was any good. So for years after that I would sing in bars, with local bands, karaoke shows, karaoke contest, on the back porch, just to get reassurance that I was good. I would ride in the car for hours repeating a single phrase in a song over and over so I would have it perfect even though I probably would never sing it in public. Funny thing is... if you come up to me and say I hear that you have a great voice and I will deny it every time.

As long as I can remember I have wanted to sing for people, be famous, be a rock star... but when it comes down to it. I am scared to death to sing. I may have kicked ass the last time I sang Bobby McGee, but what about this time? What if this time I screw it up and I don't receive the praise and award that I desperately need? That is when I realized, I don't sing because I like it or that I even love it. I sing because I want to be praised for my efforts, I want people to walk up to me and tell me how great I am. That is the part I love. I went so long unnoticed in my life that I get a rush hearing people tell me that I did something great! I was the kid in school that was overlooked. I didn't have many friends, I never really fit in. If I am in front of a group of people I don't know, I want all eyes on me, but not before or during... I want them looking at me after I sing, I want to see that look of did that really come from her?

I love to sing and do whatever I like to do...  but deep down my childhood dream really is to be noticed. My childhood dream is to be happy and to be loved. I just use my ability to sing to help me get what I really want. Don't get me wrong, I have lived a life full of love, my family has always been good to me...I'm not saying anything against them in anyway. It's more important for me to sing for my babies and my husband than anyone else. They don't care if I'm off key, they just want me to sing for them. That is really the only time I actually enjoy it. I know it makes them happy.

So, let me sing you a song, let me stand infront of you so you can judge me. Just remember before you do, you alone have the power to crush my world in your hands.