forgiveness

so I tried it, I don't think it worked.

In an effort to feel better about myself, I took the time to try and forgive myself for being a complete and total dumb ass. Yes I said it. I am a complete and total dumb ass. My husband says I'm to hard on myself, but I think I really make stupid decisions. Usually fueled by alcohol and my emotions.

I have in the past, cussed complete strangers, broken hearts, told lies, etc. Who hasn't? All the wonderful shameful things you do when you drink or just act completely selfish. I'm married with kids, being selfish is not something I am allowed to have on my resume anymore. I will not give up alcohol, you won't make me do it. You would think that by the age of 33 I would have figured out that by now. I can't go running around in bars with my buddies having a good time... not unless the husband is in tow. And honestly, we have no business being in a bar to begin with. After working several years in the local trash hole we loved so much I saw many relationships and marriages go completely down the toilet. I should know better. Alcohol induced rage is not all its cracked up to be anyway. So that leaves us with the back porch... ahh... Yes I love my back porch and I love my friends back porch as well. No drama, and you can have a normal conversation without screaming to hear over the crappy band that is playing. The company is much better and music is always better.

Feeling better? Some days I do, some days I don't. It's touch and go. Like I said, I don't think the whole forgiveness thing worked but it was worth an effort. I figured out that if I don't just make it a point to like myself more I will never be happy with myself. I'm not saying I will be a complete and total bitch and tell people I'm better than they are, but I will realize that I'm not a mistake in God's eyes. We all have our faults. We all have our sins. Cast the first stone... I dare ya. My skeletons came out of the closet, most people don't know how to even open the door.


10 Things I will do to make myself feel better in December:

1. regardless if I'm going to the mall or Walmart I WILL put on all my make up rather than just the powder and mascara routine. I have incredible eyes and I like the way they look with tons of eye make up on.

2. Try to lose 10 lbs. I have this awesome red and black dress I would like to fit in for a company function.
3. quit wearting t-shirts and pj pants to bed. I have some cute pajamas and I really need to wear them. I'm sure my husband will appreciate me doing this every night rather than once a week as well ;)
4. clean my truck... believe it or not I don't feel like road trash when my truck is clean (inside and out)

5. make a date with a couple of girlfriends. I've been wanting to go to dinner and a movie for a while.

6. Shave my legs everyday even if I want to or not... seriously

7. no t-shirts unless I'm staying around the house... not even to the grocery store.

8. give myself a weekly manicure, my nails are starting to look like crap in the cold weather. And we won't even talk about the shameful sight of my toes... yuck. I promise to fix that this weekend.

9. most days at work I lick my lipstick off... I will not from this day forward

10. go on a hunt for a new red handbag... I've been wanting one for several months now. I always feel better after I buy myself a present.

OK, so there is the list. I will come back to the list first part of January and let you know how it went. I'm not exactly sure that I will hold up my end of the bargain, but its worth a shot right? Wishful thinking I'm sure is all it is.. but who cares. As long as I try I will get some sort of success... right?