strength...

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Not much has really changed over the last few days. I've gotten more depressed, but at the same time I have finally found relief.The soon to be ex-husband and I came to an agreement we were both pleased with. I hate to say that I'm happy about it because I'm not. I'm glad that I know what direction my life is taking, but I am still not happy about it at all.

If I could I would go back in time. I would take to heart all those stupid books I bought about relationships and read them a hundred times over if I thought it would change anything. I'd never have let my emotions run hot like they did. I would have made him know without a doubt that I loved him and would never love anyone else. But I can't change that now.

I tried to stop the divorce. He thinks its because I was being greedy, but honestly I really wanted to reconcile. I just didn't know how to do it. I tried to beg, but he said my actions spoke louder than my words. Sometimes we make mistakes. It's too late now isn't it?

Now, my only concern, the well being of my precious angels. I hope that they can adjust to this. I hope they can find comfort in living in two different worlds. I will do anything I can to make them comfortable. Even if it means spending my last penny to make sure they have a happy home with everything they need.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” ~ August Wilson

So as I take this new pathway in my life, I am still unsure about what I'm supposed to do or even how to do it. Said husband took care of everything for the last eight years. All I had to do was keep the house clean, go to work and buy groceries. Typical housewife stuff. I don't know how to budget money, pay bills, fix a leak. I did, however, buy my first power tool... a drill. I've used it once to hang up some really ugly curtains in the bathroom. I have a tool bag thanks to my Pop, but I'm still clueless. Thank goodness I'm renting a place because the ceiling in the bed room started to leak after a limb went through the roof. I did not have to worry about figuring out how to fix that myself. I have no idea how to do those sort of things or where to start. I feel completely overwhelmed and helpless... but at the same time I have found a peace in knowing that I can do this, I have to survive... there is no other option.

One thing that really scares me... making new friends. There were so many friends that he and I shared. I'm not sure what happened but most of them have stepped back from the situation. Like I said before... I'm not contagious. You can't catch Divorce. But I also understand that married couples don't really want to get involved, or hang out with single people that much. I think he is experiencing the same thing I am. It's understandable. I have a few that check on me from time to time, but there is starting to be more space there, a distance in their voices. I'm not the type to reach out and scream for help when I need my friends around me, but I'm about to learn how. I've got to learn to forgive myself for not holding on to my dream. I've got to find the strength to realize that I am a different person and learn to love myself again. I'm not really sure how to do it. I know that I have to get back in to church, get closer to God. I have gotten so far down, I'm not really sure what will get me back up. I know it will take one step at a time but I'm willing to put my best foot forward right now, just really scared of what I'm stepping into.