the little things

Kid #1 : all you need is some duct tape

What? How did the child learn about duct tape and WTF is she going to use it for? I'm not exactly sure and I don't think I want to find out.

My kids are completely amazing. Its like they know when I'm having one of my days... like today. I woke up in my usual bitter mood, with a head ache even though I didn't do anything to deserve the headache. I'm sitting here at the computer, kids are watching Nick Jr. And it happens... my life feels worth while for a moment or two and a smile comes across my face.

I hear Bob Marley singing Three Little Birds, Kid #1 runs into the other room and turns up the t.v. We have this on the ipod and listen to it almost every morning while we dance on the way to work and daycare. I wasn't having such a great day so far and she runs in, hugs me and says:

 Mommy, it's our favorite song... I love you!

then she gives me another hug topped off with a kiss on the cheek and now I can't get this smile off my face.

I'm sure that at some point in the day, like the next hour or so when kid #2 starts to draw on the wall or throw a temper tantrum, I will lose my cool and start to stress out again and need a nap or something. But for now... I'm happy. Why am I so happy? Because nothing else matters... that's why. If you don't have kids, you wouldn't understand and... dogs and cats... they don't live up to what a kid can do.  I had a cat, God rest his precious little soul, and I treated him like one of my children but he couldn't do what my kids did... drive me crazy and warm my heart at the same time.

Speaking of driving me crazy...

alone in my little black hole

I know the instant I wake up how my day is going to be. If I'm going to be pissed off at the world, melancholy, just on the edge of dark and depressed, or a decent mood. Never do I wake up with birds chirping and the sun shining in... never. I blame part of it on the fact that I am not a morning person until I've had about half a pot of strong coffee and the other part on the fact that I am depressed. There... I said it.

I was inspired compelled to write about my depression after reading a couple of blog post that I follow. I can't say why I felt I needed to write it, maybe I'm asking for help? Maybe I just want someone to understand how I feel. Anyhow... click here and here to read their post and see why I felt I needed to do the same.

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I have suffered with depression and anxiety from self esteem issues for several years now. I can't even begin to tell you where it started, but I can tell you when I began to notice it more... after I got sober.

In high school I was the little band nerd, I had my boyfriend/friend and his friends. I never really had any close friends of my own. I stayed up under Rodney the whole time I was with him and his friends nearly every day and we spent every single day together until we broke up much to my parents relief. I'm sure that they got very tired of seeing him around the house. After Rodney came Jon, and we were the same. I never really had any friends of my own, I just went along with the crowd. Sure I had girls that I hung out with in HS, but very few. I never had any real close friends. I think this is where the depression started. I wasn't the cool kid by any standard. I was just... me.

After HS was college, and it was the same thing except... I started drinking. I believe that is when I developed my drinking problem. I drank nearly every day... my days at home were sober days. I can even remember attending class with a cranberry and vodka in my Aladdin thermos cup. I had a new boyfriend, but we spent every waking moment together just like the other boyfriends. His friends became my friends. Non the less, I made some friends in college but I only talk to a hand full of these people and only on FB. I still never really had anyone I called my own.

So, I left college, graduated, moved back in with my parents, got an asshole of a boyfriend that was 12 years older than me, and started working in a bar. Perfect place for me. An alcoholic and a bar mix like oil and water. I worked in the bar for 5 years, the days I didn't work I usually spent them actually sitting in the bar drinking on someone else's tab. I managed to get a job tending bar in a little county hole in the wall because my regular place of employment was closed on Sunday, but I could work at this place on Sundays and drink for free... what a bargain. I don't think my parents were too excited about this, but I was making great money and paying off all my bills.

Then came along the Husband.

We moved in with each other and got married in a flash. He told me if I quit the bar, we could get married... so I did. We continued to drink and party, have a good time, all that stuff. We had our local bar we visited a couple times a week. And then it happened... we got pregnant. All the alcohol and partying went away and there I was faced with reality. Holy Shit! What am I going to do with this little thing that cries? What am I going to do with myself? What am I doing? Wait a sec... something isn't right.

That was when I realized that I had been depressed and I was self medicating by staying drunk. It was first diagnosed as postpartum depression, then it went to depression, then to depression and anxiety with a sprinkle of self esteem issues.

What I see when I look in the mirror is a failure. I see an aging overweight alcoholic that yells at her kids too much, that is selfish and has failed in life and in her marriage. I could have been so much, I could have done so much. I eat way too much. I'm depressed because I feel hopeless some days. Why should I bother? I'm bitter. Some days more than other. I don't sleep well some nights and other nights I sleep so hard that I can barely get out of the bed. I seem to have better days when I don't sleep good, go figure. I let the slightest things stress me out. To make it even better, I have social anxiety. I think people are talking bad about me when I know there is no reason for it. So, I feel like I need reassurance all the way around... from everyone. I need to hear that I'm pretty or that I did a good job to make me feel better about myself. I need to feel like people want me around. I need to feel accepted. It's a drug for me. Someone can pay attention to me and my endorphins get all excited, but it will only last for a short time... and just like a junkie I need more.

I have also found that since I quit drinking as much as I did in the past... actually hardly ever, that when I do drink, the next day I go on a complete rage. The husband and I went out just this past Friday night, I had 5 or 6 beers because I knew we were staying the night where we were. The next day I was like a ticking time bomb. I have made great strides to hide this from people, but I can't hide it from him. The rage and the need for outside attention led us down a horrible path in our marriage, but with love and patience we have learned to see the signs manage the anger.

For a while I saw a counsellor and a psychiatrist. I didn't feel like the psychiatrist had my best interest at heart so I stopped seeing him. I continued with the counsellor until I felt like she couldn't help me anymore either. She wanted me to go have girl time with my friends, what friends... fuck that. You think that is really going to help my self esteem issues? So now all I do it take a pill a day. I was taking two... I need to take two... I can only take two if I go back to the asshole psychiatrist. Dammit what do I do?

Over the years I have stopped and stared my medication. So many times I have thought to myself I'm good, I don't need a pill anymore and I quit. Always with the same result. I get off the meds then two days later I send myself into this dark hole and the only way out is to start back taking the meds. I know when its time to start back. I'm lucky in that aspect, where most people with the same problem aren't. I've been dealing with this for several years so I can recognize when I need help. When I get to the point that I start to cry because I can't make up my mind over sweet tea or a diet coke. When I look at myself in the mirror and realize that there is no hope and I have no way out. When I lash out at people for no reason other than I want to make them feel as bad as I do. With my depression I am in such a dark place I don't think that anyone can reach me except myself. But at least I know where to find me.

Depression is a horrible disease, it's an ugly beast that can strike anyone at any time... and there really is no help for it except medication and counselling. But no matter how much I talk to someone, I still know they will never understand how I feel. My husband doesn't understand, neither do any of my friends. In the last year I have become more depressed than I have been over the years and it continues to get worse. I've asked for help, but I'm almost afraid to ask for more... afraid that they will find something else wrong with me. What I fear the most ... I pray that my two sweet angels don't have to deal with it like I do.

time well spent

My goodness I am excited! I finished a book. Fo' reals yo!

Ever since I started this job 5 years ago I have not really had the time to read. Between having 2 kids and the continuing education (I would have never thought I had to do it either) I really haven't had time to read a book other than Principals of Insurance or something like that.

So... I'm at Mom and Pop's house the other day and he hands over a book The Luncheonette by Steven Sorrentino.

It's not a horror fiction or suspense like I love to read, not even close, but it is a memoir of a man brought back to his home in the 1980's after his father fails in health. The book reads like a novel, you get sucked in. The characters leave an imprint on your heart and soul that you won't let go of. I actually cried when I finished this book. It made me really look at my relationship with my family and realize just how lucky I am to have such wonderful people in my life. I definitely recommend  that you pick it up and read it. You may or may not enjoy it, and it may or may not make an impact on your life. I have always been a fiction reader so I was slightly hesitant on reading an memoir... but I'm glad I did. I can't believe I finished it so quickly either.. sheesh!

On to my next book adventure... The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson. I have been told very little about it but I've seen it everywhere. There was even a movie out on PPV but I opted to read the book first. I've come to realize that it's a trilogy and you've got to read all three... according to the bro-in-law. He said there are some iffy sketchy situations in the book... I've only read the prologue so I can't give you any more information.

I used to be an avid reader. Anything and everything from Stephen King, although it has been hard to get into the last couple of novels from him... little more than usual. I'm sure it has been mostly to do with my lack of time to allow my self to get sucked in like I usually would. Before kids and marriage... I could sit down with a fresh novel, pack of smokes a pot of coffee and go to town on a book. I might finish whatever I was reading that day... all depended on the book.

I got sucked into memoir I mentioned above and I hope that I will enjoy this new novel as well. I have always used reading as my escape from reality and right now... I need that vacation more than ever.

Have a laugh on me

Hot Diggity Dog

as I have noted before, I swore I would never eat a gas station hot dog... NEVER.

Today as I ventured out on my lunch break I did the usual tanning bed to get rid of the white pasty look of my fat roll (cellulite looks better tan) and then I though hard about making a trip to WalMart to return a pair of jeans and a knock off tervis tumbler and realized that I needed to fill up the tank of the monster truck. I fill her up $60 bucks worth go inside to get a fountain drink and a pack of smokes and there they were... roller grill hot dogs.

It was almost as if the angels had started singing and the lights shined down from heaven on the roller grill. I couldn't help myself, it looked so yummy and moist unlike the usual dried out and brown hot dogs. I just had to have one. So, I did it. I came back to work, sat down in my usual lunch place to enjoy this little gift from heaven and I promise it had to be the best hot dog I had ever eaten, seriously.

As of right now I don't regret my decision to eat the hot dog. I honsetly love hot dogs, but I had always had this enormous fear of eating gas station food other than the regular deli choices like chicken tenders or a Subway. I stepped out of my comfort zone and went for it.

a day in the life of Rosie

Fur real yo...

I really don't like dishing out my daily activities on my blog or use it as a personal planner, but honestly... I really don't have shit to talk about. I keep thinking Today will be the day that I post something blogworthy but nope... not a damn thing clickin up there.

I have lost my stride somewhat about blogging... tell me what you think about this. Last week or the week before, I don't remember exactly what day it was, I joined 3 different blog communities in hopes that there were women bored enough with their own personal lives that they would be interested in reading about my personal life... FAIL! Apparently husband thinks that by doing this I am looking to meet people to talk to. I do not want to meet people, I do not want to chat with people, I do not want to send long emails to random stalkers. I do, however, want people to read my blog, I want to be seen as someone with something important to say, I .... I..... I wanna win a stinking blog award or be recognized as a Blog of Note!!! There I said it. That wasn't so bad. Is that too much to want? I also want more that one follower... Thanks sis, love ya for your support.

I have a few blogs that I read, follow, er whatever. I have no interested in contacting these ladies and saying Ooh, I wanna be your friend, will you like me? I do, however, laugh my ass off when I read some of the things they have to post. I have some of my favorites listed and I have mentioned them before on facebook or previous blog post... husband has even read some of it and I heard him snicker a little ,but he won't admit it.

I enjoy doing this. Some people wouldn't really understand why... for example... husband. He is a private person, doesn't like to talk about his feelings, he's a country boy (in a good way, not white trash redneck), and he is content. I know it sounds selfish, but I like to be acknowledged for having done something, I like positive reinforcement. I like the fact that over dinner at the parents house, Pop said something that I needed to add to his quote page and immediately Big Sister took note of it. I think that having my blog gives me a conversation piece... almost like a coffee table book. I look at Husband and say did you read what I wrote today? he says yes I say well, what did you think?  He always gives me his opinion of what I had to say to some degree. Sometimes when we don't have much to talk about it helps to get a conversation going. So why the hell not... I need to figure out how to go public and at the same time keep creeps from trying to be my best bud. Any ideas?

reality in a nutshell

Sometimes I just don't get it. Why do people have to die? Why do they pass away before we get the chance to say the things we really want to say? In reality, why don't we say the things we want to say to begin with? Why don't we take time to show people how much we really care rather than cast their feelings aside for the benefit ourselves?

We never really take in to consideration that people have a limited time on earth. We know that grandma or grandpa will be gone one day, but when never really crosses our mind. I looked at my parents today and realized that one day they will be gone and my sister and I will be the first ones in line at the turn stop. We will be the oldest generation. We will be the grandmothers.... I hope.

Over the last few days I was witness to the loss of family members. One of my fathers dear friends passed last week and a one of my coworkers lost her grandmother. I feel like my father had the chance to say bye to his friend. He had been sick for some time and knew that his time had come. What a relief that must be to have the opportunity to tell your friend that you enjoyed your life together. I can only imagine the comfort that would give to a mourning soul. On the other hand, my coworker didn't have a chance to do that. She actually had plans to visit with her grandmother tomorrow... but she passed this morning.

With the stress of our day to day lives we forget that even though time itself is infinite, life is not. We should cherish each moment that we have, say I love you like it might be the last time we have the chance. Every time I talk to someone in my family I tell them I love you. I've even gone so far as to call my father back to tell him I love him because we didn't before we got off the phone. I even tell my friends I love them. I know it may sound silly, but if you think about it.... It's the best I can do to remind them how much I really do love them.

Have you told someone lately that you love them?

new year, new ideas?

So in my ditch effort to become more of a worldly blogger, I joined a couple of blog communities today. Yeah, I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but I did it.

After signing up for three that I will get random email updates from I realize that I actually have to blog on these sites as well. I don't think I am ready to spend that much time typing out my life, so I posted a link to this blog.... haha I cheated neener neener. I do, however, want to get my blog out there for more people to read. I have a link on my facebook page and I have a link in the signature block on my personal email. Not my work email.. I feel that the management staff would seriously frown upon that.

In the meantime, I carry on with my normal day to day life and have managed to not strangle anyone in my family. The Christmas holiday went over very well with my family. No, I didn't get tanked even though I really wanted to. Menu was interesting, but I think Mom was trying to get Christmas and New Years in all at one time. Lasagna, broccoli salad, regular salad, black eye peas, and lima beans... Interesting combination. Oh yeah, and the kiddos had manderine oranges. To top it off we had cheesecake, my sister brought a pie, but I never got the chance to dig into it because Kid #2 decided it was time to go home. Like I said before, she rules the house and our daily schedule. Once we finished dinner and the intermittent fireworks between the scattered thunder showers we loaded our happy asses in my truck and headed off towards home. Kids didn't sleep the whole way... it was quite entertaining to say the very least. Nothing like a 45 minute drive of Kid #1 screaming at the top of her lungs the lyrics to some song she made up and Kid #2 just screaming, because she can. Yay. Husband and I got the kiddos in bed, snuggled up on the couch and after about 10 minutes of TV decided that we could care less about ringing in the New Year so, we went to bed. How exciting is that?

New Years day is another story...

The house (remember I'm an OCD neat freak) is a wreck. I am so overwhelmed with the mess that I just stand there and look at it... shaking my head. So, I figure ok lets get started. I go in, color my hair, get a shower and start making sense of the mess that my husband and kids have made the day before. So, while I waddle around in my bath robe and hair in a towel (this is normal for the weekend) I hear someone at the door. The niece has brought over the new boyfriend for us to meet.... unannounced. AGH!!! I decide it to be best to run to the bedroom and get dressed while the husband entertains. I walk out of the bedroom in wind suit pants and a t shirt, hair still wet, no make up and the boyfriend gives me this look like WTH? I felt like telling him that this was my house and if I wanted to stay in my robe I would have, but I'd rather not scare anyone.

The young man was very nice. A student at the college she attends. I approve, but my approval isn't needed. The kids hung around the house for a couple of hours, watched some football. In the meantime I managed to pull myself together and get fixed up for the evening out that the husband and I had planned. A night of drinks and snacks with some old friends we haven't done anything with in a year. It was nice.

Didn't do much, took Kid #1 with us while Kid #2 stayed with the Mamaw. Would have loved to take Kid #2, but she is really just to young to let run loose at another persons house. #1 had a great time playing with the youngest son of the couple we went to see. He told his Mom that she was NOT his new girlfriend, but that he had fun playing with her. She wouldn't stop talking about him either. We didn't get home till almost midnight. #2 would have been ticked off... that's why she didn't get to go. I'm sure she had more fun with the Mamaw anyway.

So that was my holiday weekend in a nutshell... I lead such an exciting life don't I? I'm sure that it is better than some, but more boring than most. It's my life...

I'm glad that Husband and I are getting out there and rekindling old connections and making new ones.

So, my New Years resolution: Put 100% effort in my marriage, my family, and my friends. Wake up every morning with a smile on my face whether I want to or not. Drink lots of wine, smoke plenty of cigarettes and remember that life is too short to worry about the small stuff. Peace and Chicken grease :)