When all else fails... try again

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

So here we are, just four months past the time of my divorce and eight months since we separated. It seems so much longer than it actually is. I have moved on with my life, there have been a few bumps and bruises along the way to reconnecting with the person I used to be.

Everyone has told me to reinvent myself, but the way I see it... the girl or should I say woman I was before he and I got married was ok with me. I was hard working, most of the time I held down two or three jobs. I was accepting and trusting of everyone that crossed my path. I sang like a fool and played my guitar the best I could. I smoked way too much, didn't drink very often. Since the divorce was final I've drank too much, smoked too much, and I hate to admit it... I haven't sang much at all or played any music. It's almost like I don't know where to begin anymore. Yeah, singing in the car and the shower don't count. I have attended Karaoke a couple of times, but all I ever did was sing a little Janice Joplin to show out and prove a point. Those of you that know me know I love to sing, through the house, to my children, and any chance I get for any random stranger. I started to sing to my precious girls again.

On July 1, 2012 however, I had a major life changing incident that completely opened my eyes. I realized I was going down a dangerous path that if I kept on like I was I would never be able to come back. I'm trying to get back on track. I've failed one time since then and the day after... yes the day after, hangover and all... I got out and I ran. I ran till my heart hurt (not in the physical going to the hospital sense) and I cried, and it wasn't that cute girly cry either... Oh yeah I was ugly, but it was one of the most cleansing things I've ever done. I talked to God while I was out there. First I begged him not to let me pass out and die right there on the pavement, then asked for a chance to get it straight. Lead me in the right direction. I hit the ground on my knees that day. Since then I've been listening. One step at a time, one day at time, one foot in front of the other... I can do this. I'm not saying that I'm going to be a big huge marathon runner, but I actually feel like I have accomplished something empowering after I finish. I did it, no one helped me, I did it on my own. Baby steps...

I have a few other things in my pocket that I'm working on, I'll fill you in at a later date of how it is going. Right now, it's all about my girls and I getting it back together. Time to act like an adult and learn from my mistakes, rather than running from them. I've removed some "bad influences" from my life as a start. I know who has my best interest at heart and I'm leaning on those for support. Sometimes it takes getting to your lowest point to find out who is really your friend or someone that wants a hand out. Your real friends are few and far between. I'm very thankful for the few that were there to help pick me up when I fell down.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” ~ August Wilson