Wake up...

It has been on my mind and sometimes I wonder why I have to deal with my sickness. Its really not fair. I have no wounds that show, no broken bones, no open woundseven though it feels like it sometimes. You can't see what hurts, I can't point to a spot and say.... that's it. I can't be diagnosed with a MRI or a mammogram. It's just there... inside my head like a cancer.

I'm severely depressed... and I have been diagnosed because I recognized the signs. Some people don't.

I know I've talked about it before, but yesterday... it scared me. I have a friend right now that has had a hard time dealing with his depression. I'm not sure what has happened, but right now his mind is in another world. I hate that for him and his family. I know how he feels. I know how it feels to hurt so freaking bad and no one understands why. I made a post a couple days ago saying that I was going to make it a point to be happy, but I haven't been that successful. It makes me happy to blog and get everything out so if you are tired of reading it, sorry... deal or don't.

I know a lot of people have a hard time dealing with or trying to understand depression and bi-polar disorder. Both are a horrible disease that really can not be cured no matter how hard you try. You can be medicated, but it takes years to find the right mix or cocktail of drugs to make a person feel half way normal, and by that I mean somewhat comfortable in our own skin. We never feel normal. There are days that I feel like I could crawl out of my skin, seriously. Everything hurts and if I could just get out of this body maybe I could feel better. So with that I get anxiety attacks. Sometimes at night I get RLS from it too. So maybe if I stretch my legs out a little further I could go to sleep, but I get so stressed out from it that I cry myself to sleep.

People with depression, real depression, won't tell you either. We are not proud of it, but we need someone to talk to about it now and then. Sometimes the Dr. will just shuffle us in like cattle, write a new script and send us on our way. Mine will at least spend 15 minutes with me to see how I am. All good? Good deal.... here is your supply see you in two months. Sometimes that pill can be hard to swallow, but he means well and at the moment.... I can deal with life in general.

My husband does not understand it at all. He doesn't realize that sometimes he can say just the right thing to send me over the edge... right now I'm on the edge and he keeps pushing me a little at a time. That's ok, we always bounce back. I guess it is pretty obvious I'm in my low cycle right now... have been for about a month or so. When I'm like that I don't find very many things amusing. I can't keep track of the humor that goes on around the house. It's almost like I'm a zombie. I wish I could just snap out of it

You would be amazed at the number of people that go undiagnosed every year. I have friends that I see the sure signs of depression, but they don't do anything. They think they can "deal" with feeling blue.... for months at a time, for no reason why... go get some help please? Thank you.

So for me the day goes on. I keep pressing on. There isn't much I can do about it. People pray for me and I think it helps, but it is a sickness and one day... one day... I hope I can get past it.

Psalm 88

    

 ¹ LORD, you are the God who saves me;
   day and night I cry out to you.
² May my prayer come before you;
   turn your ear to my cry.

 ³ I am overwhelmed with troubles
   and my life draws near to death.
⁴ I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
   I am like one without strength.
⁵ I am set apart with the dead,
   like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
   who are cut off from your care.

 ⁶ You have put me in the lowest pit,
   in the darkest depths.
⁷ Your wrath lies heavily on me;
   you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.^[d]
8 You have taken from me my closest friends
   and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
 ⁹ my eyes are dim with grief.

   I call to you, LORD, every day;
   I spread out my hands to you.
¹⁰ Do you show your wonders to the dead?
   Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
¹¹ Is your love declared in the grave,
   your faithfulness in Destruction^[e]?
¹² Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
   or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

 ¹³ But I cry to you for help, LORD;
   in the morning my prayer comes before you.
¹⁴ Why, LORD, do you reject me
   and hide your face from me?

 ¹⁵ From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
   I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
¹⁶ Your wrath has swept over me;
   your terrors have destroyed me.
¹⁷ All day long they surround me like a flood;
   they have completely engulfed me.
¹⁸ You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
   darkness is my closest friend.

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