Wednesday, April 17, 2013

It’s not so bad…


The single life I mean, it’s not that bad.

I've met a few people, been on a few dates or whatever you want to call them…. spent a lot of time talking and getting to know people. Do I want a relationship? yeah, it would be nice to have that “someone” in my life, but what will come with it? That is the part that really freaks me out. I want to know that I can depend on someone to be there, go to the movies with, maybe dinner now and then… talk at night. Listen to me. That sounds just like a relationship doesn't it. I just don’t want to be let down again, I don’t think I can sustain another disappointment.

My head is so jacked up…

With what I've been through and the things I've seen. One failed attempt after another… I’m not sure if having a boyfriend or whatever is what I really need.  Heck yeah it would be nice, but.. really? Do I just give too much? When I care about someone I give it my all… does not matter the situation, friends or otherwise. I get walked on by some people and that has taught me to be somewhat more guarded, but honestly… I love with all of my heart, not part of it. Some people can’t handle it. I literally have so much pain going on in my world that it makes my heart happy to escape for a while and make someone else smile. It can be overwhelming for anyone that has never had that in their life. It is also a welcome comfort to a friend who is hurting. Come cry on my shoulder… it will make me forget my own problems. But does that make me selfish too?

I sit here writing this with my heart literally breaking, I can feel the pain in my chest, because I just want to feel happiness… I want someone to give back and do everything to make me smile, like I try to do for others. I prayed last night, a lot… I gave all my troubles over to God, I let it go. I woke up with a sense of peace that things are going to work out. It’s going to get better. I’m just tired of fighting, I’m tired of crying, I’m really tired of being so strong…  but that isn't me, I don’t give up and give in. You need me to be positive for you to make it through the day? I’m going to do it, and with a smile on my face. But at what point do I get to break down and have my moment…. When do I get to have someone hold my hand.  When can I cry and hurt? When can I quit being so strong? Because at this point I know there is no other option than to hold my head high and keep moving forward. Maybe that’s why I want someone in my life, someone genuine? I’m just so scared of being let down again that I don’t know what to do. I can’t take that leap of faith again…


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