Lets begin...
I've never really admitted this to anyone till now, but yes... I'm afraid to go to sleep at night. I've discussed my insomnia with a few people, most of my friends know that I wake up several times during the night. The part that you don't know is that I usually wake up from some horrifying nightmare that can only be found in the writings of Dean Koontz or Stephen King. Crippling nightmares to the point I can't move. At least two to three days a week I wake up in some sort of panic, crying with silent screams that make me lose my breath... only because I'm trying to wake myself up. I've tried over the years to write them down or use some dream dictionary to explain why I'm having these nightmares hoping that I might be able to control them. Sometimes I will wake up and sit straight up in bed, mostly because the dream wasn't that intense. I'm sure it's because I'm aware that I have my daughter in the bed with me and I know I'm not alone. I blogged a few times a couple of years ago about what I actually was dreaming about, that didn't help either. I've tried over the last year a couple of different things to help me sleep as well... no help at all. Last time I took something to help me sleep something pulled me out of the bed by my feet. When I woke up I was half way under the bed. I have been known to sleep with the lights on because I know I'm awake when I see the light.
I have no problem with being in a pool unless my kids are with me, that's normal for anyone to be nervous. And usually I can get in a boat in the daytime on the lake and handle myself fairly well, but if it's dark you can almost bet I will panic. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been on a boat in the last 10 years. There is no particular incident that created the fear, but in my own mind I make it worse over the years. It's an evil place in there sometimes. Even right now trying to find the words to explain what happens and what exactly I fear is making me anxious. So here we go.... I'm not afraid of drowning, I can swim very well. It's not snakes, fish, or anything like that either. I'm scared of what I don't know about. Falling out of the boat and being pulled under by something that doesn't exist. Not being able to rescue myself or that whoever I'm with won't be able to help me. I'm afraid of being lost in the unknown. Where is the bottom? Why can't I put my feet down? What if some current or something even more deadly takes me down to the deep unknown and I can't free myself. This is my own personal hell. I've been in the water at night 4 times in my lifetime... I want to overcome that fear. I want to know and be certain that there is nothing to be this terrified of. And don't get me started on things in the water, like abandoned boats, down trees, spillways in a dam.... One of our lakes has a rather large spillway, scared to death of it.
I know this is another point leading to water, but let me explain. First thing is first... bridges. There are some bridges that don't phase me at all. I have no problem going over Lake Pontchartrain, I don't have a major issue with the Mississippi River Bridge if I'm not driving. However, there are a few out there, I'm sure it's the way they are built that completely make me aware that there is something bigger than me. If you want a reference to what really upset's me... Bowstring Arch Bridges. Maybe it has something to do with my fear of water? I'm not really so sure. Tunnels however, yes. I refuse to watch Daylight with Sylvester Stallone. that is my fear of a tunnel... being trapped... in water. What if I'm trapped there and I never get out, what if I drown in the dark?
Are you noticing a trend yet? I'm 35 years old and I'm scared of the dark. Kind of a hard thing for me to admit. Yes, I'm scared of wasp, and being in confined spaces... I can't walk in a room unless I turn on the lights. I'm scared of heights, most people are. I know all of my major fears are tied together, mostly stemming from my nightmares. I have flashbacks of things that have never happened in real life, so I'm sure my subconscious has stored it there. That's the thing that grips my mind when I'm put in one of the situations I fear. I instantly relive my nightmares.
I'm scared of the unknown, I'm scared of my own dreams, but mostly scared of being alone because when I'm alone... that is when my fears attack me the most.
I've never really admitted this to anyone till now, but yes... I'm afraid to go to sleep at night. I've discussed my insomnia with a few people, most of my friends know that I wake up several times during the night. The part that you don't know is that I usually wake up from some horrifying nightmare that can only be found in the writings of Dean Koontz or Stephen King. Crippling nightmares to the point I can't move. At least two to three days a week I wake up in some sort of panic, crying with silent screams that make me lose my breath... only because I'm trying to wake myself up. I've tried over the years to write them down or use some dream dictionary to explain why I'm having these nightmares hoping that I might be able to control them. Sometimes I will wake up and sit straight up in bed, mostly because the dream wasn't that intense. I'm sure it's because I'm aware that I have my daughter in the bed with me and I know I'm not alone. I blogged a few times a couple of years ago about what I actually was dreaming about, that didn't help either. I've tried over the last year a couple of different things to help me sleep as well... no help at all. Last time I took something to help me sleep something pulled me out of the bed by my feet. When I woke up I was half way under the bed. I have been known to sleep with the lights on because I know I'm awake when I see the light.
I have no problem with being in a pool unless my kids are with me, that's normal for anyone to be nervous. And usually I can get in a boat in the daytime on the lake and handle myself fairly well, but if it's dark you can almost bet I will panic. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been on a boat in the last 10 years. There is no particular incident that created the fear, but in my own mind I make it worse over the years. It's an evil place in there sometimes. Even right now trying to find the words to explain what happens and what exactly I fear is making me anxious. So here we go.... I'm not afraid of drowning, I can swim very well. It's not snakes, fish, or anything like that either. I'm scared of what I don't know about. Falling out of the boat and being pulled under by something that doesn't exist. Not being able to rescue myself or that whoever I'm with won't be able to help me. I'm afraid of being lost in the unknown. Where is the bottom? Why can't I put my feet down? What if some current or something even more deadly takes me down to the deep unknown and I can't free myself. This is my own personal hell. I've been in the water at night 4 times in my lifetime... I want to overcome that fear. I want to know and be certain that there is nothing to be this terrified of. And don't get me started on things in the water, like abandoned boats, down trees, spillways in a dam.... One of our lakes has a rather large spillway, scared to death of it.
I know this is another point leading to water, but let me explain. First thing is first... bridges. There are some bridges that don't phase me at all. I have no problem going over Lake Pontchartrain, I don't have a major issue with the Mississippi River Bridge if I'm not driving. However, there are a few out there, I'm sure it's the way they are built that completely make me aware that there is something bigger than me. If you want a reference to what really upset's me... Bowstring Arch Bridges. Maybe it has something to do with my fear of water? I'm not really so sure. Tunnels however, yes. I refuse to watch Daylight with Sylvester Stallone. that is my fear of a tunnel... being trapped... in water. What if I'm trapped there and I never get out, what if I drown in the dark?
Are you noticing a trend yet? I'm 35 years old and I'm scared of the dark. Kind of a hard thing for me to admit. Yes, I'm scared of wasp, and being in confined spaces... I can't walk in a room unless I turn on the lights. I'm scared of heights, most people are. I know all of my major fears are tied together, mostly stemming from my nightmares. I have flashbacks of things that have never happened in real life, so I'm sure my subconscious has stored it there. That's the thing that grips my mind when I'm put in one of the situations I fear. I instantly relive my nightmares.
I'm scared of the unknown, I'm scared of my own dreams, but mostly scared of being alone because when I'm alone... that is when my fears attack me the most.
2 comments:
I am scared of bridges. Any bridge, every the small ones over a creek or an over pass, all bridges over a large body of water scares me. I start running thru my head how I would get out of the vehicle, how I would get my kids out, what if other cars come down after, what if I can't get the kids out. I do not like bridges.
fear is a rotten thing to have to deal with. it's exhausting! and when you're afraid of sleeping, that must aggravate it even further. i'm sorry.
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