Really? Seriously...

I have been told many times that 'the fate of any relationship depends on the person who cares the least'. It's something that I have learned over the last couple of years, a hard lesson at that.

“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” ~ Anthony Robbins

Give and take, that's what it really is all about. You have to be willing to give more than you take. If you don't it will never work. Like I said before, I think I give too much sometimes. It definitely hurts sometimes. I see this too often with people that I think are my friends. I will always speak I will always do my best to leave a smile where ever I go. I always try to include everyone in my life, but sometimes it seems that I get left out. Not sure why that is. Maybe those people aren't really my friends after all? Recent events in my life have really shown me who actually has my back and who doesn't. I'm thankful for the people I have in my life. Please don't think I'm complaining about it or trying to have a 'pitty party', it's not like that at all. Yeah it sucks, but in all honesty.... I'm glad that it has happened like that.

I won't be the person that cares the least... I will always be the one that will text or call if I haven't heard from you in a couple of days. Don't assume that I think or know if you are mad at me, I'm not a mind reader. If there is a problem, talk to me about it... don't let it fester like a wound until you can't take it anymore. Tell people how you really feel, tell them what's on your mind. I've learned that if you keep your feelings packed up in a box, no one will even know it's there to unpack. Open the box. And make sure if you do walk away from a relationship, friends or otherwise... you leave that person knowing that it was ok for it to be the way it is. I have so many unanswered questions right now it has literally made me sick.

It is what it is...

Believe it or not, over the last several weeks I’ve been debating about this particular post. Not sure if the real world was ready for it or not.

I HATE DATING

I can’t stress that enough. I have had the attention of a few members of the opposite sex since my divorce, obviously none of them have been successful. I won’t go into detail on every “relationship” however I will tell you that dating in itself is a train wreck waiting to happen. Especially with me.

I don’t know, I’ve always been taught to give everything I’ve got, in love, life and friendship. So that’s what I do. I don’t know if that scares people away or if I’m just being too pushy, I’m really not sure. I always feel that you should give 100% in everything you do. I don’t really understand why people don’t do the same. I always enter a relationship (friends, dating, coworkers etc.) and give my full attention. I think it is only fair to the other person to let them know that you are willing to make an effort to give it all you have.

Which leads me to my next point… Why don’t people do the same? Why do some people half-ass try at something and then give up when the situation gets hard. I was involved with someone I cared a lot about, I guess you could say my first real relationship since my divorce, yes there was one before but he was obviously a rebound and his personal issues really did cause us major problems.Anyway… Back to my story… I felt like he started to push me away. I may be completely wrong about the issue but that is what I read into it. I’m sure a lot of it had to do with my insecurities. Yes, I had a bad marriage, yes there was trust and faith lost, yes… I’m damaged because of it. So with that in mind, I’m the kind of girl that needs a little reassurance now and then that I’m where I’m supposed to be. I don’t think that is too much to ask right? I didn’t think so. Nothing against him at all, he is a really nice man but in the end, obviously I wasn’t what he wanted and the same goes for me. I did enjoy the time we had together and maybe I tried too hard to make it work. My mistake, but as I said before… I always give 100%. Sometimes it’s too much.

Lesson learned I guess….

I’m sure it will be a while before I try again. I’ve got to work on “me” right now and that will take time. I don’t want any help, nor will I ask for it. But it would be nice to have someone to talk to now and then. It’s a lonely world out there. 

When all else fails... try again

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

So here we are, just four months past the time of my divorce and eight months since we separated. It seems so much longer than it actually is. I have moved on with my life, there have been a few bumps and bruises along the way to reconnecting with the person I used to be.

Everyone has told me to reinvent myself, but the way I see it... the girl or should I say woman I was before he and I got married was ok with me. I was hard working, most of the time I held down two or three jobs. I was accepting and trusting of everyone that crossed my path. I sang like a fool and played my guitar the best I could. I smoked way too much, didn't drink very often. Since the divorce was final I've drank too much, smoked too much, and I hate to admit it... I haven't sang much at all or played any music. It's almost like I don't know where to begin anymore. Yeah, singing in the car and the shower don't count. I have attended Karaoke a couple of times, but all I ever did was sing a little Janice Joplin to show out and prove a point. Those of you that know me know I love to sing, through the house, to my children, and any chance I get for any random stranger. I started to sing to my precious girls again.

On July 1, 2012 however, I had a major life changing incident that completely opened my eyes. I realized I was going down a dangerous path that if I kept on like I was I would never be able to come back. I'm trying to get back on track. I've failed one time since then and the day after... yes the day after, hangover and all... I got out and I ran. I ran till my heart hurt (not in the physical going to the hospital sense) and I cried, and it wasn't that cute girly cry either... Oh yeah I was ugly, but it was one of the most cleansing things I've ever done. I talked to God while I was out there. First I begged him not to let me pass out and die right there on the pavement, then asked for a chance to get it straight. Lead me in the right direction. I hit the ground on my knees that day. Since then I've been listening. One step at a time, one day at time, one foot in front of the other... I can do this. I'm not saying that I'm going to be a big huge marathon runner, but I actually feel like I have accomplished something empowering after I finish. I did it, no one helped me, I did it on my own. Baby steps...

I have a few other things in my pocket that I'm working on, I'll fill you in at a later date of how it is going. Right now, it's all about my girls and I getting it back together. Time to act like an adult and learn from my mistakes, rather than running from them. I've removed some "bad influences" from my life as a start. I know who has my best interest at heart and I'm leaning on those for support. Sometimes it takes getting to your lowest point to find out who is really your friend or someone that wants a hand out. Your real friends are few and far between. I'm very thankful for the few that were there to help pick me up when I fell down.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” ~ August Wilson