Where do we go from here...

Divorce is all about milestones , you can't rush any of them because each serve a purpose and require there own amount of time. You are learning who you are again, and I definitely think you will like the person you find. There are certain things you can take comfort in knowing: your children are more resilient than you think, you are more attractive to others than you are yourself, and the pain you feel now, you will not be able to recall six months from now you simply just remember "it hurt". This weekend at some point do something you didn't feel free to do while married whether it be leave the cap off the toothpaste or some sort of decoration to the house, it will liberate you. Last thing remember you aren't discovering a new country or blazing a new trail there are millions of footprints your following in don't hesitate to seek guidance in someone further up the path. ...... and pray

It is something that many people deal with these days but I doubt very seriously that anyone has dealt with it the way I have. In a matter of 3 weeks my husband and I separated and filed for divorce. Our entire life divided on a legal pad. From Savings Bonds to visitation schedules… we planned the rest of the lives of our children. Agreeing on everything from who gets the couch to the sacred pot for boiling tea.

I’m not sure where I am right now. I’m in a world I don’t know. It’s a bad dream. My friend described his divorce to me in a way that scared me to death. It’s like major surgery. Right now I’m lying there, about to go under anesthesia. I’m numb because I’ve got enough drugs in me that I just don’t care anymore. And when I wake up, when its all over… its going to hurt. Hurt like hell. I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to be cut open. I don’t want to lose that part of my soul… but I am. Will I survive? God only knows the answer to that. I’m not sure what the survival rate is on Divorce. I know that most people live through it, move on, and are eventually happy again. But I’m not most people.

Someone shake me, wake me up! This can’t be happening to me.

I filed for the divorce, I called his bluff when he said he wanted one, but I came back begging and pleading to not let this happen. Can’t we just take time apart? Lets separate and see how things are. Let’s see if we want to live out our lives alone. No was the answer. This is the best thing. I never thought that it would come to this so fast. I always felt that if we were to split up it would take years, a battle over the kids and the contents of our lives. I think what hurts me the most is that it was all there… on three sheets of a yellow legal pad. My life… his life… the children…. all right there. I can’t explain the feeling any way other than what I have already

Most people are surprised when they find out what is happening. They seem to think that we are or were the perfect couple. We weren’t, never were, and never will be. That’s reality for you. We fought like most people, but we also broke trust. That is one thing that is never truly regained. No matter how hard you fight, trust can’t be earned back. It will always be in the back of you mind, lingering, burning a hole. And no matter how hard you try that wound will never heal. I truly love this man, I have for eight years, our anniversary was November 22nd. Both of us tried to treat it as a day like any other but in the end I was left in my own tears alone. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't listen to music any longer... any song with love in it makes me cry. Even Elvis's Blue Christmas makes me tear up. I've turned off my radio in the car. I've taken off my wedding ring. I haven't even taken the time to try and read. The only reason I blogged is because a dear friend said maybe it would help me to cleanse my soul. Here I am.. trying.

So I’m asking you, to keep me in your thought. Keep my children in my prayers. Expect the worst, hope for the best. Pray that we will make it through this with only minor injury and that he and I will be able to be friends again.

I love you all. See you soon.