moving right along...

 It’s been almost a year since I started the journey. I really don’t know what to think about it sometimes. It doesn't really register in my mind what has actually transpired, it all feels like a dream. The things I have seen and emotions felt scare me. 

I learned so much about people and those that I thought were my friends. It really is sad just how selfish some can be. I won’t be rude and call out names on here, that will solve nothing short of hurt feelings. I’m not about causing someone pain. I've done it before and all I did was create more grief for myself in the end. I have people who are mad or disgruntled with me because I filed for the divorce, people who are mad because I did what I thought I needed to do, because I was selfish. There are others out there that got mad and laid blame on me for failed friendships, I didn't do anything… I just refuse to be told what I can and can’t do, who I can and can’t talk to, etc. I also learned that men and women can’t have close friendships without someone having “feelings” or getting hurt.  Selfish people.  Men don’t think and women can be just as bad. This woman talks to that woman, she doesn't like you because you dated her baby sister’s best friend’s ex-boyfriend 10 years ago… or you are friends with that girl and they don’t like her for no good reason... Really? I am 35 years old and I have never in my life seen such childish shenanigans, even in High School it wasn't this bad. I will admit I have played the main role in some of the drama in my life, that is my demon to deal with... but some of the things that I witnessed beats all.

I blame it all on social media… people are too meddlesome and thrive on public drama. It breeds hatred. I have heard it said “you hate what you fear the most”. I almost refuse to post a picture of myself with anyone other than my kids or the ex-husband, and that even scares me sometimes, simply for the fact that I will get 21 questions before the day is out… Oh are you friends with that girl? Are you and that guy seeing each other? I can’t begin to tell you how many times I was asked if I was seeing someone just because I posted “have a nice day” on their Facebook timeline. And it wasn't even by the person being nosy… this one asked that one, who asked that one, who brought it up to me. Oh and be careful who you tell your secrets to… just a thought. This is the south, women love to gossip. If you aren't the topic of conversation today, you will be tomorrow when she tells everyone what she heard you did… truth or not.

I have removed a number of people from my life in the last year, but on the other hand I gained a few as well as renewed old friendships. I am thankful for the relationships I've had, it has taught me what I do and what I don’t want in my life. What I don’t want… friends that only have time for me when it is convenient for them. I have a bad habit of sending a text or calling someone if I haven’t heard from them in a while just to say hi, but now… If you are not willing to make the effort to start the conversation from time to time, why should I? Not that I love you any less, you just don’t have time so I won’t waste any of it. I don’t want anyone to try and tell me who I can and can’t be friends with. I like that person, I think they are nice… sorry if you don’t like them, I just won’t make plans with you and them at the same time. No one has a right to tell you who your friends can and can’t be. For that one reason right there… I lost a friend that I’ve had since I was 18 years old. I hate it, but on the other hand, it’s my life. Lastly… I don’t want anyone in my life that I don’t feel like I can trust. I've been hurt pretty bad, my trust and faith in some people has been broken. When I tell you I’m your friend and I give you a piece of my heart, be careful with it. One of my biggest flaws is I see the good in everyone. I trust too easily. I learned this year that people are not who they say they are and most people don’t have your best interest at heart. I think that is the one thing that bothers me the most.  It literally hurts in my chest to know that there are some people that could care less that they hurt other people. I’m not saying “don’t break my heart”, I know that will happen from time to time… just when you do, when you decide to let me down, be considerate and be honest. I’d rather be hurt with the truth than comforted with lies. 

It is a cruel world out there. It’s scary, full of hatred and greed…  I just don’t understand why the world is like that. Too many people are not satisfied with what they have. Their life isn't perfect so they will do what they can to make others miserable. I’m happy and I love life. I love the people around me and I genuinely believe that everyone has a good heart, but no matter what you do or how much you try to make everyone happy, you just can’t... All you can do is let your light shine and pray that someone sees it. This world will never be a perfect place, there will always be someone that will try to throw rocks at you. Learn to hold your head high and smile… even if you’re breaking on the inside. I truly believe that if you live it, you will learn it, then you will be it... 

The Wednesday Funnies... on Friday

Sorry ladies and gentlemen. I was down and out on Wednesday so I didn't get a chance to do the funnies for you... and they yesterday was a whole 'notha story for you, but we'll get to that at a later date.

So since I'm too lazy to just come up with something randomly witty, I'll share with you once again my favorite youtube video of all time.

Smile and be happy!

funny... while I was uploading this one I found another I had not seen in a while... enjoy!

It’s my turn…

Yes, I said it. It’s my turn, my turn to live my life. I’m sure that anyone will say “Oh Rosie, you have been this last few months since your divorce.” Seriously…? After years of doing what everyone said I should do, trying to make everyone else happy around me, all I get is a couple of months to be selfish and live life the way I want to? Or was that what I really wanted...

As most of you know the divorce was final back in March. At the time that the divorce became final, my landlord decided that because I wouldn’t enter into some sort of kinky ass relationship with him he would sell the house I was living in, forcing me to find another place to hang my coat. Which led me to moving in with my parents... I could barely contain my excitement. Not that I didn’t want to live with them, but there was nothing available within my budget to rent that would be a good environment for my children. I lived with my parent up until about a month ago. Somewhat doing my own thing, but still trying to make it a point to keep everyone happy… except me. Oh yeah, I’ve gone out and hung out with people. I’ve done my part to keep the local watering holes in business, dated a douche bag or two. All the while putting on a show and trying to please a multitude of people in effort to make sure that ‘people like me’. Added with the never ending… ‘this is what you should do with your life.’

So what exactly is it that I’m supposed to do with my life now? Last month I decided to give it another shot with my ex-husband in an effort to try an salvage what was left of my broken relationship and failed marriage. Yes I still love him, I never stopped. My children are happy and seem adjusted to the situation. #2 is sleeping better at night even though her wild imagination and her curiosity keep her away till nearly 10:00 at night. #1 falls asleep as soon as her head hits the pillow and is completely unconscious to the world around her, better than the once a week nightmares. I on the other hand am not sleeping, not that I have in the last 6 years, but it seems like it is worse now these days. Not sure if it is getting adjusted to my old/new environment or if it is something deeper. I’m still plagued with nightmares and flashbacks of my wreck in July and the scenarios played in my head of what could have happened. Not to mention the constant replay of things that could have gone wrong when I spent two days in a boat in the swamp of south Louisiana… thank ‘you’ for the constant nightmares. Much appreciated. Back to what I was saying… what now? I’m back in my happy little home with my two kids, my now ex-husband whom we will now refer to as ‘sin partner’, and the all loving cat Mustache. Things are starting to be getting back on track, or so I think. We have made a few changes to the house, rearranging furniture and throwing away anything that we just don’t need. Thank you to my friend Tammy, I no longer have a tanning bed at the house (so glad to see that gone). We’ve started making plans for social gatherings with the new friends I’ve made as well as friends we socialized with prior to the divorce. But seriously… now what?!? Am I supposed to just pick up where everything left off? Is this supposed to feel like a new relationship? I really don’t know.

Yesterday ‘sin partner’ and I made a public announcement that we are now in “a relationship” with each other on the drama network a.k.a Facebook. That’s when it hit me. This is real. This is where it all starts. This is the point where everyone will be looking at me and watching to see if we screw it up again. Such a horrible feeling to think that now I’m being watched for every little mistake, possibly being judged… people talking behind my back saying ‘oh she’s just using him cause she couldn’t make it on her own’ and yes I have already heard that so I’m not being paranoid. Thank you very much.

So with that in mind… yes it’s my turn, it always has been, it always will be… I’m not being selfish, I’m being the giving person I’ve been my whole life and doing something to make everyone else happy, and in turn that makes me happy. Sometimes I doubt myself, who doesn’t, but knowing that my children are sleeping in the same bed every night rather than being flip flopped from house to house each week is worth it to me. Knowing that I have a safe and secure place to lay my head every night is worth it. Knowing that I have put a smile on ‘sin partners’ face because he has his family is worth it.  My personal image, knowing that I am being the ‘wife’, mother and caretaker that I had always dreamed about is worth it. When is it my turn? My turn is now, in this moment. It’s my turn to do what God planned for me to do all along… take care of my family.