Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The Wednesday Funnies...

Tips for Northerners moving South.... pay attention, this is real important y'all

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

11. People walk slower here.

12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'," as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy".. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do. Shopping list always includes milk, bread and eggs.

22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerabley more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

23. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy," "Good Laud," and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy."

24. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

25. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

It's all in my head...

I like most people have fears... I'm not sure if it's completely normal for me to have some the fears that I do. Most of them are normal things that any person can deal with on a day to day basis. Some of them however I think  are almost too dark for anyone to comprehend. They may seem like normal fears to any outsider, but if you knew the grip they had on my mind you would understand me better.


Lets begin...

I've never really admitted this to anyone till now, but yes... I'm afraid to go to sleep at night. I've discussed my insomnia with a few people, most of my friends know that I wake up several times during the night. The part that you don't know is that I usually wake up from some horrifying nightmare that can only be found in the writings of Dean Koontz or Stephen King. Crippling nightmares to the point I can't move. At least two to three days a week I wake up in some sort of panic, crying with silent screams that make me lose my breath... only because I'm trying to wake myself up. I've tried over the years to write them down or use some dream dictionary to explain why I'm having these nightmares hoping that I might be able to control them. Sometimes I will wake up and sit straight up in bed, mostly because the dream wasn't that intense. I'm sure it's because I'm aware that I have my daughter in the bed with me and I know I'm not alone. I blogged a few times a couple of years ago about what I actually was dreaming about, that didn't help either. I've tried over the last year a couple of different things to help me sleep as well... no help at all. Last time I took something to help me sleep something pulled me out of the bed by my feet. When I woke up I was half way under the bed. I have been known to sleep with the lights on because I know I'm awake when I see the light.

I have no problem with being in a pool unless my kids are with me, that's normal for anyone to be nervous. And usually I can get in a boat in the daytime on the lake and handle myself fairly well, but if it's dark you can almost bet I will panic. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been on a boat in the last 10 years. There is no particular incident that created the fear, but in my own mind I make it worse over the years. It's an evil place in there sometimes. Even right now trying to find the words to explain what happens and what exactly I fear is making me anxious. So here we go.... I'm not afraid of drowning, I can swim very well. It's not snakes, fish, or anything like that either. I'm scared of what I don't know about. Falling out of the boat and being pulled under by something that doesn't exist. Not being able to rescue myself or that whoever I'm with won't be able to help me. I'm afraid of being lost in the unknown. Where is the bottom? Why can't I put my feet down? What if some current or something even more deadly takes me down to the deep unknown and I can't free myself. This is my own personal hell. I've been in the water at night 4 times in my lifetime... I want to overcome that fear. I want to know and be certain that there is nothing to be this terrified of. And don't get me started on things in the water, like abandoned boats, down trees, spillways in a dam.... One of our lakes has a rather large spillway, scared to death of it.

I know this is another point leading to water, but let me explain. First thing is first... bridges. There are some bridges that don't phase me at all. I have no problem going over Lake Pontchartrain, I don't have a major issue with the Mississippi River Bridge if I'm not driving. However, there are a few out there, I'm sure it's the way they are built that completely make me aware that there is something bigger than me. If you want a reference to what really upset's me... Bowstring Arch Bridges. Maybe it has something to do with my fear of water? I'm not really so sure. Tunnels however, yes. I refuse to watch Daylight with Sylvester Stallone. that is my fear of a tunnel... being trapped... in water. What if I'm trapped there and I never get out, what if I drown in the dark?

Are you noticing a trend yet? I'm 35 years old and I'm scared of the dark. Kind of a hard thing for me to admit. Yes, I'm scared of wasp, and being in confined spaces... I can't walk in a room unless I turn on the lights. I'm scared of heights, most people are. I know all of my major fears are tied together, mostly stemming from my nightmares. I have flashbacks of things that have never happened in real life, so I'm sure my subconscious has stored it there. That's the thing that grips my mind when I'm put in one of the situations I fear. I instantly relive my nightmares.

I'm scared of the unknown, I'm scared of my own dreams,  but mostly scared of being alone because when I'm alone... that is when my fears attack me the most.




Friday, August 3, 2012

today is the day...

I can't even contain the excitement! Either that or I've ingested too much coffee and sunshine... whatever it is, I like it!

Today is the day that my life starts to get back on track... if all goes according to plan I will have a car once again. Yeah, Rosie has been without a ride for a month now. Remember what I said about an unfortunate incident back on July 1st? Well... it goes a little something like this... I totaled out the car that the now ex-hubby bought me last year. I won't give out all the details, those who know me close know what happen. Let's just say I learned a very valuable lesson in life that day.

So at lunch today I will go to the dealership, pick up my new car, go to the bank etc. I have my fingers crossed that everything will work out like it should. I was supposed to have the car yesterday but there was one small set back. On track today.

On top of all that I think I might actually be happy... seriously. I had my little pitty party this past week, had a really good cry last night, somehow managed to cry in my sleep (how odd is that) and woke up today with a feeling of complete peace.

Today is the day... today is MY day. I'm smiling, I feel beautiful.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The Wednesday Funnies...

Yes, it's back. Your weekly dose of laughter brought to you by Rosie herself. I know you can't possibly contain all your excitement, feel free to laugh a little... it's ok. Clicking around on www.stumbleupon.com I found this cute little number I had to share. Enjoy! It is Wednesday right?


HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

  1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
  2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
  3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
  4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
  6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
  7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
  8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
  9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
  10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
  12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
  13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
  14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
  15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
  16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
  17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
  18. Honk and wave to strangers.
  19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
  20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
  21. type only in lowercase.
  22. dont use any punctuation either
  23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
    "DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
    "What?"
    "Never mind, it's gone now."
  25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
  27. Ask people what gender they are.
  28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  30. Sing along at the opera.
  31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."