that day

I don't want to talk about the storm. I don't want to talk about how hard it hit the south. I don't want to talk about the fact that my father lost his best friend. I don't want to have to relive the horrible weekend that I had, but I need to. I need to talk about it, because if I don't I swear I will surely go insane.

My mother called me at 12:30 on Wednesday night to tell me that my Pop's oldest and dearest friend Robert Jenkins had been killed in the Tornado that swept through Clarke Co. that day.

Every important event in my life and my sister's life, he was present. He treated my sister and I like we were his own children. Showing us love and affection. Which in turn helped me create a lasting bond with his daughter, that she would always be my like my sister. So, I can see where it upset me. I can see how I could be so emotional. I've never lost anyone that close to a tragedy. I still don't believe it.

My husband went to the call that night to help find people, but law enforcement wouldn't let any of the County Volunteers down to the site. I'm glad he didn't see him.

I just want to ask God "Why?" I don't understand why this happened. I know that he lets bad things happy to bring us closer to him, but couldn't there have been another way?

I didn't go to work on Thursday, instead I bought a dozen Chance and Dooley doughnuts and  went to have coffee with my dad. We managed to eat almost the whole box without even thinking about it. Robert was my father's best friend. There is no other way to put it. He started working for him part time when he was in his teens.... 42 years ago. I'm not joking when I say .... life-long friend. He was always there to help when it came to working on the Pipe Organ, the Monday Night Group. As long as I can remember, the guys would get together and bull shit around, tinker with the Pipe Organ at the Temple Theater, or work on some project my dad had come up with.

The funeral was on Saturday... I was nauseated and on the verge of tears the entire time. I held it together mostly, except for a couple of times. One thing that will always stick out in my mind, his hands. Robert had rough weathered working man hands... but not on Saturday. They didn't look like his hands. Maybe that is why the reality of all this hasn't set in yet? It didn't look like him at all.

The storms destroyed the south. I pray for the people that were affected by it, but most of all I pray that God will fill the void in my heart.

Integrity... it's free

"INTEGRITY IS TELLING MYSELF THE TRUTH. AND HONESTY IS TELLING THE TRUTH TO OTHER PEOPLE." - SPENCER JOHNSON

I stopped in over at S30P to check out what the writing prompt for this week was, low and behold there is a quote... not a word, but a quote. I couldn't pass this one up. As many of you know I have had a great deal of turmoil in my life. Between problems with my husband and the loss of several friends, the words INTEGRITY and HONESTY have played a major role in getting my life, the life of my family, and my career back on track.

“The man who cannot endure to have his errors and shortcomings brought to the surface and made known, but tries to hide them, is unfit to walk the highway of truth.” ~ James Allen

I really don't understand why such a simple thing is so complicated. Honesty and Integrity... why is it so hard? Why is it so hard to be honest with people? Most folks don't realize that if they are upfront and honest to begin with, the repercussions are far less than if they have to explain why they were not honest to begin with? Oh, I was scared that you would be mad, I thought it would be better if you didn't know. Seriously? Let me make that decision, not you. And then there is integrity... Integrity people... If you don't act like "it", then you won't have to cover up and lie to other people about what happened and why you acted like "it" in the first place... oh and you won't be treated like "it" either. I put "it" in quotations because it would be unchristian like to call someone names... just saying. Name calling is simply childish.

I only have time in my life for people who are up front and honest with me.... hence the post about Honesty and Integrity. I do not have time for someone who says they are my friend, but run around telling my business to everyone. If you are one of those people who lacks the ability to be trustworthy... move on. I really hope that one day you will see that this type of behavior is unhealthy. I am not be the perfect Christian by far... but my Savior is. So with that in mind I will tell you I make mistakes, but I will admit when I am wrong. If you come to me and say.... Hey Rosie, did you say blah blah blah or did you blah blah blah? I'm going to be honest with you and tell you if I did or didn't. I may not be proud of some of the things I have done in my life, that is my business and no one else's. 

So as I'm writing this post, a song that I have grown to love comes on KLove... Matt Maher's Hold Us Together, and it all becomes crystal clear to me. You have got to be happy with yourself and the cards you have been dealt. You must make the best of everything you have. Happiness is not something that someone gives you, you can only give it to yourself. There is no amount of money or popularity that will make you love yourself and be happy. It took me forever to finally learn that as long as you are deceptive, as long as you lie to yourself and everyone else, you will never, and I mean NEVER be truly happy. I have found my true happiness... I found it with my renewed relationship with Christ, with my revived relationship with my husband, and my rewarding relationship with my children and my friends. I have learned that you have to have love and respect for yourself, to learn to love and respect other people. The only way to be a true friend and a happy person... the only way... it to have some integrity and honesty. Without that, you are setting yourself up for failure every time.

Thank you to my dear sweet husband, I love you Buck... and to my family and friends, thank you and I love you as well.  - Rosie

 “Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” ~ Dr. Seuss

“I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.” ~ Pietro Aretino

 Love will hold us together, make us a shelter to weather the storm. And I'll be my brother's keeper, so the whole world would know that we're not alone  - Matt Maher

Can I just complain?

yep... I am in one of those moods. I just want to complain to someone that won't bitch back at me.

So for starters... I have RLS (restless leg syndrome), its that tingling feeling in your legs when you lay down for bed. Ok, so I had the WORST flare up I have ever had. I literally was pacing the house when I wasn't kicking the couch. Somewhere around 2:00 a.m. I finally tried a hot bath. That relaxed my legs long enough that I could pass out from exhaustion. This morning I wake up, against my will but my paycheck needs me, and seriously thought about calling in sick, but I knew there would be no point since my LEGS ARE STILL TWITCHIN! On the way home I am getting some iron supplements and potassium and start taking that before bed.... yep... another pill. Something has got to give. For the last several years I have slept with a bar of soap under the fitted sheet, but for some reason I took it out about a month ago. It is supposed to help with leg cramps, but no one can explain why. The bar is going back. If I still feel like this tonight I'm going to duct tape the soap to the bottom of my feet. If you have any other suggestions, please comment below.

Next... I got a new keyboard tray for my desk at the office... It sucks. For those of you who have keyboard trays... you will understand when i say... this one bites. I can't get it adjusted, its too big, its in my way... blah blah blah.

So enough complaining for now.

I do have a happy thought for you. The husband and I had some friends over the other night for pizza and games. We played Mexican Train. No its not some Beaner international version of that perverted crap boys do in high school. My friend we are talking about Dominoes. I've played dominoes before where you count five, ten, fifteen, twenty points... this was different. the object of the game is to go out with no points.

I think it is supposed to be a kiddo game, but it was SO much fun! Next time we get together I think the Husband and I are going to teach our friends how to play Canasta. My parents taught Hubby and I how to play after we got married, had a standing date every Tuesday night to play. We then taught his parents and we had a date with them every Friday night to play... that was until kids came along. The girls are getting old enough we don't have to chase them around the house every step they take so maybe we can start playing again... but maybe only once a month.

it's kind of funny...

Life has an interesting way of working things out. My life has done a complete 180 in the last 6 months, but today... I am so glad it did. I figured out that God has a plan for me and the road that I was taking was not part of it. I have been blessed with some amazing and wonderful women in my life. Women that I call my friends. Thank you to each one of you, I hope that you will get the chance to read this.

Thank you for being my rock, and for believing in me. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me with all my problems. Thank you for not judging me. I appreciate each one of you, rather than get in the middle and try to stir up more trouble and more drama you helped me to try and find a solution to the problem. I really appreciate that.

new year, new ideas?

So in my ditch effort to become more of a worldly blogger, I joined a couple of blog communities today. Yeah, I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but I did it.

After signing up for three that I will get random email updates from I realize that I actually have to blog on these sites as well. I don't think I am ready to spend that much time typing out my life, so I posted a link to this blog.... haha I cheated neener neener. I do, however, want to get my blog out there for more people to read. I have a link on my facebook page and I have a link in the signature block on my personal email. Not my work email.. I feel that the management staff would seriously frown upon that.

In the meantime, I carry on with my normal day to day life and have managed to not strangle anyone in my family. The Christmas holiday went over very well with my family. No, I didn't get tanked even though I really wanted to. Menu was interesting, but I think Mom was trying to get Christmas and New Years in all at one time. Lasagna, broccoli salad, regular salad, black eye peas, and lima beans... Interesting combination. Oh yeah, and the kiddos had manderine oranges. To top it off we had cheesecake, my sister brought a pie, but I never got the chance to dig into it because Kid #2 decided it was time to go home. Like I said before, she rules the house and our daily schedule. Once we finished dinner and the intermittent fireworks between the scattered thunder showers we loaded our happy asses in my truck and headed off towards home. Kids didn't sleep the whole way... it was quite entertaining to say the very least. Nothing like a 45 minute drive of Kid #1 screaming at the top of her lungs the lyrics to some song she made up and Kid #2 just screaming, because she can. Yay. Husband and I got the kiddos in bed, snuggled up on the couch and after about 10 minutes of TV decided that we could care less about ringing in the New Year so, we went to bed. How exciting is that?

New Years day is another story...

The house (remember I'm an OCD neat freak) is a wreck. I am so overwhelmed with the mess that I just stand there and look at it... shaking my head. So, I figure ok lets get started. I go in, color my hair, get a shower and start making sense of the mess that my husband and kids have made the day before. So, while I waddle around in my bath robe and hair in a towel (this is normal for the weekend) I hear someone at the door. The niece has brought over the new boyfriend for us to meet.... unannounced. AGH!!! I decide it to be best to run to the bedroom and get dressed while the husband entertains. I walk out of the bedroom in wind suit pants and a t shirt, hair still wet, no make up and the boyfriend gives me this look like WTH? I felt like telling him that this was my house and if I wanted to stay in my robe I would have, but I'd rather not scare anyone.

The young man was very nice. A student at the college she attends. I approve, but my approval isn't needed. The kids hung around the house for a couple of hours, watched some football. In the meantime I managed to pull myself together and get fixed up for the evening out that the husband and I had planned. A night of drinks and snacks with some old friends we haven't done anything with in a year. It was nice.

Didn't do much, took Kid #1 with us while Kid #2 stayed with the Mamaw. Would have loved to take Kid #2, but she is really just to young to let run loose at another persons house. #1 had a great time playing with the youngest son of the couple we went to see. He told his Mom that she was NOT his new girlfriend, but that he had fun playing with her. She wouldn't stop talking about him either. We didn't get home till almost midnight. #2 would have been ticked off... that's why she didn't get to go. I'm sure she had more fun with the Mamaw anyway.

So that was my holiday weekend in a nutshell... I lead such an exciting life don't I? I'm sure that it is better than some, but more boring than most. It's my life...

I'm glad that Husband and I are getting out there and rekindling old connections and making new ones.

So, my New Years resolution: Put 100% effort in my marriage, my family, and my friends. Wake up every morning with a smile on my face whether I want to or not. Drink lots of wine, smoke plenty of cigarettes and remember that life is too short to worry about the small stuff. Peace and Chicken grease :)

forgiveness

so I tried it, I don't think it worked.

In an effort to feel better about myself, I took the time to try and forgive myself for being a complete and total dumb ass. Yes I said it. I am a complete and total dumb ass. My husband says I'm to hard on myself, but I think I really make stupid decisions. Usually fueled by alcohol and my emotions.

I have in the past, cussed complete strangers, broken hearts, told lies, etc. Who hasn't? All the wonderful shameful things you do when you drink or just act completely selfish. I'm married with kids, being selfish is not something I am allowed to have on my resume anymore. I will not give up alcohol, you won't make me do it. You would think that by the age of 33 I would have figured out that by now. I can't go running around in bars with my buddies having a good time... not unless the husband is in tow. And honestly, we have no business being in a bar to begin with. After working several years in the local trash hole we loved so much I saw many relationships and marriages go completely down the toilet. I should know better. Alcohol induced rage is not all its cracked up to be anyway. So that leaves us with the back porch... ahh... Yes I love my back porch and I love my friends back porch as well. No drama, and you can have a normal conversation without screaming to hear over the crappy band that is playing. The company is much better and music is always better.

Feeling better? Some days I do, some days I don't. It's touch and go. Like I said, I don't think the whole forgiveness thing worked but it was worth an effort. I figured out that if I don't just make it a point to like myself more I will never be happy with myself. I'm not saying I will be a complete and total bitch and tell people I'm better than they are, but I will realize that I'm not a mistake in God's eyes. We all have our faults. We all have our sins. Cast the first stone... I dare ya. My skeletons came out of the closet, most people don't know how to even open the door.


10 Things I will do to make myself feel better in December:

1. regardless if I'm going to the mall or Walmart I WILL put on all my make up rather than just the powder and mascara routine. I have incredible eyes and I like the way they look with tons of eye make up on.

2. Try to lose 10 lbs. I have this awesome red and black dress I would like to fit in for a company function.
3. quit wearting t-shirts and pj pants to bed. I have some cute pajamas and I really need to wear them. I'm sure my husband will appreciate me doing this every night rather than once a week as well ;)
4. clean my truck... believe it or not I don't feel like road trash when my truck is clean (inside and out)

5. make a date with a couple of girlfriends. I've been wanting to go to dinner and a movie for a while.

6. Shave my legs everyday even if I want to or not... seriously

7. no t-shirts unless I'm staying around the house... not even to the grocery store.

8. give myself a weekly manicure, my nails are starting to look like crap in the cold weather. And we won't even talk about the shameful sight of my toes... yuck. I promise to fix that this weekend.

9. most days at work I lick my lipstick off... I will not from this day forward

10. go on a hunt for a new red handbag... I've been wanting one for several months now. I always feel better after I buy myself a present.

OK, so there is the list. I will come back to the list first part of January and let you know how it went. I'm not exactly sure that I will hold up my end of the bargain, but its worth a shot right? Wishful thinking I'm sure is all it is.. but who cares. As long as I try I will get some sort of success... right?

love yourself...

“I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach.” ~ Maya Angelou


We never really think about that we need to forgive ourselves for making mistakes. At some point in time in your life you have to let it go and forgive yourself. As Christians we go to God and ask for forgiveness of our sins, but do we ever just look in the mirror and say "I forgive myself" for what has happened? I look back on the mistakes I've made in my life and I don't think I have ever taken the time to do it. I've prayed to be forgiven, but sometimes haven't felt any peace. I've been forgiven by other people and still haven't felt peace.

So here it goes... I forgive you Roz Buckalew...

I will let you know how I feel later ;)